Toby (highly refined story)
She stood in her parker jacket waiting for a train to get back home. The wind was fierce, forcing the bristles on her hood to dance wildly. I stood with my hands clenching in my pockets desperate for warmth, my jacket three sizes too small and the wind managing to find a way to blow up inside. I could barely speak.
‘It was Tom’s fault really.’ Her lips were blue underneath her peach lipstick. They seemed to feature more in the cold than they normally did. ‘He was always showing off, ever since he got a car. Stupid bastard killed himself if you ask me.’
‘Didn’t he die later?’ I asked. I had already heard half the story.
‘Sure, sure. Hanged himself, couldn’t deal with the ‘guilt’. We both moved our eyes towards the rails. One passenger had thought he heard the train which caused a chain reaction of on-lookers.
‘Because of Cat?’ I said. Cat was the girl in his passenger seat who had flown through his window.
‘Yeah but I don’t think he killed himself because of that. No, he killed himself because of the consequences. Everyone would have seen him as a murderer he walked through the streets.’ We gained some looks from two elderly women. They knew exactly who we were talking about.
‘But it was man-slaughter really.’ I said calmly before a gust of wind shot into our ear drums making it almost impossible to hear one another.
‘What difference does it make? It was his fault that he was drunk. It was his fault he didn’t make her wear a seat belt. It was his fault that he hit a fucking tree. You can’t just go easy on him because he didn’t kill her directly Toby, he still did it. He’s dead. And he deserves to be dead.’ Her and Cat had been inseparable when they were younger. The sudden news of Cat’s accident had affected her.
‘Train’s here.’ I said as it pulled towards us on steel rails.
‘Don’t worry about me, Toby. I’m not worried. There isn’t anything to worry about when you die and I doubt Cat is worrying now. She’s dead. She doesn’t exist anymore. It’s all one big nothing, death’ She said. The doors closed and the carriage began to move. I watched her as she made her way to our seats. She stared into the windows with a blank expression as the world passed us by outside.
We arrived near a tyre swing that overlooked a lake. She had come here with Cat before her death, it was their haven among hell. Pushing the tyre swing back and forth with a vacant seat in its hoop she sighed.
‘You know it was only five minutes away from here’, the tyre spun, pushing itself to and fro from its own momentum.
‘I heard the rope he used is still there.’ I responded. She never did stop talking about Tom’s death. There were leaves floating in the lake. It could have been Autumn.
We left the tyre where it was spinning on its own catching less and less air with every swing as Wesley and I went to look for the hung man’s rope. We looked through the woods passing trees that all looked the same except the onehehad used. It could have been overlooked it if it weren’t for that single lonely rope.
I stood and looked at the point of Tom’s death watching Wesley stand directly underneath the it.
‘Must be where they cut him down.’ She said. Her eyes looked up. There was disgust in her face. ‘You can see where it was cut.’
The rope dangled tightly around the branch, loose hairs flickered on its end dancing in the air like bristles of a coat.
It had been abandoned, likely forgotten in haste of saving the boy’s life.
I questioned why I had been spending so much time with her. Then I watched her jeans tightly clenching over her bum. I remembered why. It’s all bad directions when you don’t use a moral compass.
I caught up to her. She had found her way back to the tyre swing. I watched as she sat in its void hanging of a branch, sitting inside a rubber circle wanting nothing than to stay stationary.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I approached carefully. She had stopped laughing.
‘I want to talk about something, but it depends if you can do it. Do you think you can?’ Her low voice was distant drawing me in closer.
‘Just stop trying so hard to fuck me. If we fuck, then we’ll fuck. But for fuck sake, if you keep trying then you’ve got no chance.’ Her large eyes looked straight in to mine. I frowned. She had been pushing me waiting for a reaction. Full of bull shit, hot headed and had an ego bigger than Mount Olympus.
‘Grow some balls.’ I wanted to retort but I just let her say her piece. I rather had her complain about me than obsess over Tom.
She jumped from the tyre swing and worked her way towards me. The hood of her parker had lifted down from the wind. She stared with her peach lips and got close enough I could have kissed her.
‘Are you going to move on or not?’ I asked in a burst of bravery. She stood looking at me. She said nothing. ‘Well fuck you, Wesley.’ I meant it. I grabbed her face and placed my lips on hers. I moved my lips while I waited for her mouth to open. It felt like minutes. Finally a gap arose, our tongues danced in a kiss. Her angst lost and forgotten in a moment of dominated passion.
I looked towards the train station. It was visible just over the trees. I wanted to stay with her, to comfort her in some way. But I knew her type. She wanted me more as a Tom than a Cat.
As I walked away I could hear her ask me not to leave.
‘Why the hell not? Aren’t you busy looking for the great nothing?’ Her confidence had waned. Her body language was obvious. All she knew from death was that it brought confusion. ‘What am I even here for?’ Wesley looked at me and mumbled out words that I could barely hear.
‘So there isn’t too much nothing, I guess.’ Her words fell on deaf ears as she turned away from me. ‘You don’t have to do this….. but will you watch the sunset with me?
‘Me and Cat used to sit here every evening and watch the sunset.’
Wesley was a strange girl and full of shit but she wasn’t worth upsetting. I sat next to her and we watched it get darker. It was less sunset and more fade-to-black. Not the best I’ve seen.
‘Didn’t he die later?’ I asked. I had already heard half the story.
‘Sure, sure. Hanged himself, couldn’t deal with the ‘guilt’. We both moved our eyes towards the rails. One passenger had thought he heard the train which caused a chain reaction of on-lookers.
‘Because of Cat?’ I said. Cat was the girl in his passenger seat who had flown through his window.
‘Yeah but I don’t think he killed himself because of that. No, he killed himself because of the consequences. Everyone would have seen him as a murderer he walked through the streets.’ We gained some looks from two elderly women. They knew exactly who we were talking about.
‘But it was man-slaughter really.’ I said calmly before a gust of wind shot into our ear drums making it almost impossible to hear one another.
‘What difference does it make? It was his fault that he was drunk. It was his fault he didn’t make her wear a seat belt. It was his fault that he hit a fucking tree. You can’t just go easy on him because he didn’t kill her directly Toby, he still did it. He’s dead. And he deserves to be dead.’ Her and Cat had been inseparable when they were younger. The sudden news of Cat’s accident had affected her.
‘Train’s here.’ I said as it pulled towards us on steel rails.
‘Don’t worry about me, Toby. I’m not worried. There isn’t anything to worry about when you die and I doubt Cat is worrying now. She’s dead. She doesn’t exist anymore. It’s all one big nothing, death’ She said. The doors closed and the carriage began to move. I watched her as she made her way to our seats. She stared into the windows with a blank expression as the world passed us by outside.
We arrived near a tyre swing that overlooked a lake. She had come here with Cat before her death, it was their haven among hell. Pushing the tyre swing back and forth with a vacant seat in its hoop she sighed.
‘You know it was only five minutes away from here’, the tyre spun, pushing itself to and fro from its own momentum.
‘I heard the rope he used is still there.’ I responded. She never did stop talking about Tom’s death. There were leaves floating in the lake. It could have been Autumn.
We left the tyre where it was spinning on its own catching less and less air with every swing as Wesley and I went to look for the hung man’s rope. We looked through the woods passing trees that all looked the same except the onehehad used. It could have been overlooked it if it weren’t for that single lonely rope.
I stood and looked at the point of Tom’s death watching Wesley stand directly underneath the it.
‘Must be where they cut him down.’ She said. Her eyes looked up. There was disgust in her face. ‘You can see where it was cut.’
The rope dangled tightly around the branch, loose hairs flickered on its end dancing in the air like bristles of a coat.
It had been abandoned, likely forgotten in haste of saving the boy’s life.
I questioned why I had been spending so much time with her. Then I watched her jeans tightly clenching over her bum. I remembered why. It’s all bad directions when you don’t use a moral compass.
I caught up to her. She had found her way back to the tyre swing. I watched as she sat in its void hanging of a branch, sitting inside a rubber circle wanting nothing than to stay stationary.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I approached carefully. She had stopped laughing.
‘I want to talk about something, but it depends if you can do it. Do you think you can?’ Her low voice was distant drawing me in closer.
‘Just stop trying so hard to fuck me. If we fuck, then we’ll fuck. But for fuck sake, if you keep trying then you’ve got no chance.’ Her large eyes looked straight in to mine. I frowned. She had been pushing me waiting for a reaction. Full of bull shit, hot headed and had an ego bigger than Mount Olympus.
‘Grow some balls.’ I wanted to retort but I just let her say her piece. I rather had her complain about me than obsess over Tom.
She jumped from the tyre swing and worked her way towards me. The hood of her parker had lifted down from the wind. She stared with her peach lips and got close enough I could have kissed her.
‘Are you going to move on or not?’ I asked in a burst of bravery. She stood looking at me. She said nothing. ‘Well fuck you, Wesley.’ I meant it. I grabbed her face and placed my lips on hers. I moved my lips while I waited for her mouth to open. It felt like minutes. Finally a gap arose, our tongues danced in a kiss. Her angst lost and forgotten in a moment of dominated passion.
I looked towards the train station. It was visible just over the trees. I wanted to stay with her, to comfort her in some way. But I knew her type. She wanted me more as a Tom than a Cat.
As I walked away I could hear her ask me not to leave.
‘Why the hell not? Aren’t you busy looking for the great nothing?’ Her confidence had waned. Her body language was obvious. All she knew from death was that it brought confusion. ‘What am I even here for?’ Wesley looked at me and mumbled out words that I could barely hear.
‘So there isn’t too much nothing, I guess.’ Her words fell on deaf ears as she turned away from me. ‘You don’t have to do this….. but will you watch the sunset with me?
‘Me and Cat used to sit here every evening and watch the sunset.’
Wesley was a strange girl and full of shit but she wasn’t worth upsetting. I sat next to her and we watched it get darker. It was less sunset and more fade-to-black. Not the best I’ve seen.
‘I need to picture it. It doesn’t feel real at all. Can you imagine climbing knowing they will be the last moments of your life.’ Wesley sat up and walked back to the tree where Tom killed himself. She rubbed its surface allowing flakes of bark crumble between her fingers.
‘I don’t know if I could. When you have so much in your head like he did it’s unlikely he thought about anything.’
‘That’s not what I meant. Stand here and tell me if you could see him falling. It doesn’t look far.’ I moved over and stood within an inch of her unable to reach her hand in the dark. We raised our necks, exposing them to the open air as the cut noose hung above us.
‘I guess not.’
She stared at me. I could make out her eyes by the moon reflecting from her pupils. It was a pearl of white to go with her iris of hazel. She wanted me to go up there. She was too afraid to herself. She wanted me to be her Tom in the tree. I climbed and before I knew it I was clinging on to the branches for dear life.
‘How’s the view?’ She shouted. I could see the lake we had been near illuminated by the street lamps. The tyre swing had come to a total stop, ripples in the lake were scattering their last leaves into the centre.
‘It’s a bit high up.’ My head span. Below I could see Wesley laughing. I wasn’t the Tom she was expecting.
‘Would you do it?’ Wesley said. Watching as I scurried to find a safe spot on an uncomfortably high branch.
‘Fuck off.’ I wanted to climb down but it felt like there was no turning back. There was me and her with no witnesses. She toyed with the idea of making me fall, throwing small pebbles, each slightly missing.
‘Lighten up, it’s just a game’ Wesley said. The pebbles getting higher with a fiercer throw from her wrist.
‘You’re making me fucking fall.’
The tree seemed to gain height as I watched Wesley grow smaller, my hands feeling nimble on the thin branch. I wanted nothing more than to melt away and float to the ground out of its roots. I didn’t want to die.
Wesley stopped throwing pebbles but it was already too late. I had lost my nerve. All she could see was Tom as she looked at me with pity. I was an outlet for her, a door for her agony. With my fingers weak I plummeted to the ground meeting it with a thud. The fall sent a sensation through me. Opening my eyes to Wesley I was ready to walk away. If my legs worked I may have done. She climbed over me, her legs outside of mine, our most intimate parts connected par from two layers of clothes and dainty underwear. Pulling open my coat she rubbed her hands my chest.
‘Aww Toby, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’ll fall.’ Wesley said as she rubbed herself against me. My erection was barely noticeable underneath my jeans but Wesley caressed against it anyway. It was hard not to be aroused.
Wesley moved her hands up from my chest and placed them around my neck softly tracing her fingers through my hair and back around my throat. She reached down, slowly placing parcels of moist pecks willing my lips to move. In my ignorance I had not acknowledged that my was body unable to move. She looked at me. My eyes talked while I laid motionless, my erection dwindling.
Wesley shifted from rhythmically moving across my body to silently staring at me remaining perfectly still. She brushed my hair behind my ears, breathing softly as she moved away.
Her fingers unbuttoned my shirt as I looked on until I was naked from the waist up. She had left my jeans on as she climbed back on top of my pelvis. She began to massage my chest releasing small shards of bark that gently cut into my skin. Even when the larger pieces sunk into my flesh I could not feel any pain.
Her hands rose upwards towards my neck. Wesley drew herself closer and whispered in my ear ‘tell me if there’s nothing Toby’, her hands wrapped on my neck.
There was a sudden burst of feeling in my cheeks, a popping of my eyes, forcing the last of the moon light in to my sight.
Wesley stopped thrusting and moved her body next to mine. Her cheek rested on my chest, it was cold from the weather and still like death. I could faintly feel her nails playfully writing on my skin. A sharp edge flew across, and another down from its centre, drawing blood like bark. Her fingers spiralled across my nipple that densely left marks of circular red, then, a simple M that she marked on my skin with lipstick on which she kissed. The last I could hear were footsteps cracking sticks. It felt cold looking on at the empty black sky. I watched as it was pushed aside by the retina of the moon whilst I wished for death that never came.
‘I don’t know if I could. When you have so much in your head like he did it’s unlikely he thought about anything.’
‘That’s not what I meant. Stand here and tell me if you could see him falling. It doesn’t look far.’ I moved over and stood within an inch of her unable to reach her hand in the dark. We raised our necks, exposing them to the open air as the cut noose hung above us.
‘I guess not.’
She stared at me. I could make out her eyes by the moon reflecting from her pupils. It was a pearl of white to go with her iris of hazel. She wanted me to go up there. She was too afraid to herself. She wanted me to be her Tom in the tree. I climbed and before I knew it I was clinging on to the branches for dear life.
‘How’s the view?’ She shouted. I could see the lake we had been near illuminated by the street lamps. The tyre swing had come to a total stop, ripples in the lake were scattering their last leaves into the centre.
‘It’s a bit high up.’ My head span. Below I could see Wesley laughing. I wasn’t the Tom she was expecting.
‘Would you do it?’ Wesley said. Watching as I scurried to find a safe spot on an uncomfortably high branch.
‘Fuck off.’ I wanted to climb down but it felt like there was no turning back. There was me and her with no witnesses. She toyed with the idea of making me fall, throwing small pebbles, each slightly missing.
‘Lighten up, it’s just a game’ Wesley said. The pebbles getting higher with a fiercer throw from her wrist.
‘You’re making me fucking fall.’
The tree seemed to gain height as I watched Wesley grow smaller, my hands feeling nimble on the thin branch. I wanted nothing more than to melt away and float to the ground out of its roots. I didn’t want to die.
Wesley stopped throwing pebbles but it was already too late. I had lost my nerve. All she could see was Tom as she looked at me with pity. I was an outlet for her, a door for her agony. With my fingers weak I plummeted to the ground meeting it with a thud. The fall sent a sensation through me. Opening my eyes to Wesley I was ready to walk away. If my legs worked I may have done. She climbed over me, her legs outside of mine, our most intimate parts connected par from two layers of clothes and dainty underwear. Pulling open my coat she rubbed her hands my chest.
‘Aww Toby, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’ll fall.’ Wesley said as she rubbed herself against me. My erection was barely noticeable underneath my jeans but Wesley caressed against it anyway. It was hard not to be aroused.
Wesley moved her hands up from my chest and placed them around my neck softly tracing her fingers through my hair and back around my throat. She reached down, slowly placing parcels of moist pecks willing my lips to move. In my ignorance I had not acknowledged that my was body unable to move. She looked at me. My eyes talked while I laid motionless, my erection dwindling.
Wesley shifted from rhythmically moving across my body to silently staring at me remaining perfectly still. She brushed my hair behind my ears, breathing softly as she moved away.
Her fingers unbuttoned my shirt as I looked on until I was naked from the waist up. She had left my jeans on as she climbed back on top of my pelvis. She began to massage my chest releasing small shards of bark that gently cut into my skin. Even when the larger pieces sunk into my flesh I could not feel any pain.
Her hands rose upwards towards my neck. Wesley drew herself closer and whispered in my ear ‘tell me if there’s nothing Toby’, her hands wrapped on my neck.
There was a sudden burst of feeling in my cheeks, a popping of my eyes, forcing the last of the moon light in to my sight.
Wesley stopped thrusting and moved her body next to mine. Her cheek rested on my chest, it was cold from the weather and still like death. I could faintly feel her nails playfully writing on my skin. A sharp edge flew across, and another down from its centre, drawing blood like bark. Her fingers spiralled across my nipple that densely left marks of circular red, then, a simple M that she marked on my skin with lipstick on which she kissed. The last I could hear were footsteps cracking sticks. It felt cold looking on at the empty black sky. I watched as it was pushed aside by the retina of the moon whilst I wished for death that never came.
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