The Boy With the Santa Tattoo
Christmas Eve and in the dimmed street all the lamps were alight, alive and all seemed to breathe. Every child was a sleep part from one little boy, who had been eating sweets, playing with old toys. A rub on tattoo of a jolly man rested on his arm with rosy cheeks, blue eyes and a slightly cracked smile. Our hero will soon be this young boy in a world he has yet to discover but one we will shortly get to see.
‘What was the problem?’ Our young hero thought.
‘Have I drank so much milk that my belly wants to stay up and talk?’
Down below his bedroom there was an open fire, with crackling chestnuts, one that our young hero desired.
‘Just a few treats’, he thought.
Maybe his stomach would stop its howls, with a few toasted chestnuts and some soothing toots from the clock shaped like an owl.
Alas, just as he was about to wake up there was a crash, noise another noise followed a ratty tat tat.
Lucky for him there was a sword was on the wall, he quickly pulled it from its sheave and threw on a cowl:
‘Who goes there!? I may be eight but do not dare think that I won’t take this sword to slice you into pieces and turn you into bait!’
A shuffling came from way above the ground, in the chimney there was a more imposing pound.
Our hero was afraid and far too nervous to look as a big fat man walked from his chimney covered in black soot.
‘Ho ho ho’ the fat man let out.
Before he could let out another ho ho ho our hero had already made a joust. The sword went in and up through the jolly man covered in soot, ‘stabbed by an infant, isn’t in just my luck’. The fat man did tut.
Our hero did panic at this newfound disaster as the soot fell off the jolly fat man and those big loud noises were coming from Santa.
‘I’m so sorry I just didn’t know’, Our hero spoke as Santa let out a groan.
‘Don’t you worry I’ve got just the trick, if you pass me a bicycle chain and some cookies I’ll be ready to go again within a tick’.
Our hero bought the items as so, confused, bemused all with a heave ho. Once he took them to Santa’s side he asked:
‘What on Earth can bicycle chains and cookies do to stop you die?’
Santa, as jolly as always looked up and said
‘Well now, don’t you know. The cookie is for my belly, I’m hungry you see, I’ve only a few hours and I’ve still to reach Zimbabwe. The bicycle chain is because I like how they feel, reminds me of so many times I was a boy and flung over the wheel’.
Our hero stubborn to prove his point bought Santa some water and pulled him a chair.
‘Why did this happen? Fix yourself please if you don’t no presents will get to all those in need. Christmas isn’t Christmas without that boxed wrapped, so please Santa hurry and revive yourself back!
‘A boy your age so vibrant and strong, I wonder, nay ponder maybe this night won’t turn out so wrong. I’ve an idea if you will of what we can do. Go hunt me down four stray cats and an empty box and cock o doodle do. Be quick, and hurry, we have not got much time!’
The boy looked in the kitchen, then the garage, then the park. Alas there were four stray cats purring in the dark, with a box he found in the shed of his neighbours he scooped each cat up, ‘Santa should be okay if I hurry back’, but he had no such luck.
On his kitchen there laid an old used red robe, a sprinkling of diamonds and the meows of the strays.
‘Santa is gone now I’m terribly afraid to say’ coming from a young small man with pointy ears and a green beret. Our hero looked confounded with shock; he thought Santa was a monster not a jolly guy stuck!
What on Earth was he now to do? He thought with an Elf eating a sandwich while admiring our hero’s shoe.
‘You become a Hero what else! Go fetch your cats and come with me out back, oh and bring the big guy’s jacket you’ll need that too’.
Our hero took orders he was a bit apprehensive. Who was this small man in green and who moved Santa’s body? He stepped outside only to be struck dead in awe, there in his back garden were seven reindeers all coated in snow. Just then elf looked over at our hero.
‘Santa isn’t just a giver once a year, he fights demons, dragons and all deadly fears. He fights witches, sorcerers and all of the supernatural what cause fear. He fights in his sleep, he fights when he’s hurt but you killed him kid so now it’s your turn.
Our hero threw on the cape, with his cowl and sword, he stood up on the sleigh as he tried to soar, till he remembered there was one more thing to do he had not thought of yet before.
‘The strays and the box what were they for? I have them but no cock a doodle do? Is enough? What do I do?’
‘The stray cats are our ride kid just watch and see, the sun will rise soon so and the cockerel will speak. First my name, they call be Benji Calamity James...’
A cockerel crows from the distance. At that moment the four stray cats morphed into lions, the box into a sleigh.
‘And there my friend, is your ride’.
Santa’s sleigh disappeared from view the reindeers vanished and our hero thought he would too. Benji stood up and spoke: ‘this is what happens kid, you’re the man in charge now. Enjoy your new life’.
There and then and over the strife, the boy took his four lions and his sleigh into midnight, he had many monsters to destroy and if he remembered right, he needed to get to Zimbabwe and prepare himself for a fight.
‘What was the problem?’ Our young hero thought.
‘Have I drank so much milk that my belly wants to stay up and talk?’
Down below his bedroom there was an open fire, with crackling chestnuts, one that our young hero desired.
‘Just a few treats’, he thought.
Maybe his stomach would stop its howls, with a few toasted chestnuts and some soothing toots from the clock shaped like an owl.
Alas, just as he was about to wake up there was a crash, noise another noise followed a ratty tat tat.
Lucky for him there was a sword was on the wall, he quickly pulled it from its sheave and threw on a cowl:
‘Who goes there!? I may be eight but do not dare think that I won’t take this sword to slice you into pieces and turn you into bait!’
A shuffling came from way above the ground, in the chimney there was a more imposing pound.
Our hero was afraid and far too nervous to look as a big fat man walked from his chimney covered in black soot.
‘Ho ho ho’ the fat man let out.
Before he could let out another ho ho ho our hero had already made a joust. The sword went in and up through the jolly man covered in soot, ‘stabbed by an infant, isn’t in just my luck’. The fat man did tut.
Our hero did panic at this newfound disaster as the soot fell off the jolly fat man and those big loud noises were coming from Santa.
‘I’m so sorry I just didn’t know’, Our hero spoke as Santa let out a groan.
‘Don’t you worry I’ve got just the trick, if you pass me a bicycle chain and some cookies I’ll be ready to go again within a tick’.
Our hero bought the items as so, confused, bemused all with a heave ho. Once he took them to Santa’s side he asked:
‘What on Earth can bicycle chains and cookies do to stop you die?’
Santa, as jolly as always looked up and said
‘Well now, don’t you know. The cookie is for my belly, I’m hungry you see, I’ve only a few hours and I’ve still to reach Zimbabwe. The bicycle chain is because I like how they feel, reminds me of so many times I was a boy and flung over the wheel’.
Our hero stubborn to prove his point bought Santa some water and pulled him a chair.
‘Why did this happen? Fix yourself please if you don’t no presents will get to all those in need. Christmas isn’t Christmas without that boxed wrapped, so please Santa hurry and revive yourself back!
‘A boy your age so vibrant and strong, I wonder, nay ponder maybe this night won’t turn out so wrong. I’ve an idea if you will of what we can do. Go hunt me down four stray cats and an empty box and cock o doodle do. Be quick, and hurry, we have not got much time!’
The boy looked in the kitchen, then the garage, then the park. Alas there were four stray cats purring in the dark, with a box he found in the shed of his neighbours he scooped each cat up, ‘Santa should be okay if I hurry back’, but he had no such luck.
On his kitchen there laid an old used red robe, a sprinkling of diamonds and the meows of the strays.
‘Santa is gone now I’m terribly afraid to say’ coming from a young small man with pointy ears and a green beret. Our hero looked confounded with shock; he thought Santa was a monster not a jolly guy stuck!
What on Earth was he now to do? He thought with an Elf eating a sandwich while admiring our hero’s shoe.
‘You become a Hero what else! Go fetch your cats and come with me out back, oh and bring the big guy’s jacket you’ll need that too’.
Our hero took orders he was a bit apprehensive. Who was this small man in green and who moved Santa’s body? He stepped outside only to be struck dead in awe, there in his back garden were seven reindeers all coated in snow. Just then elf looked over at our hero.
‘Santa isn’t just a giver once a year, he fights demons, dragons and all deadly fears. He fights witches, sorcerers and all of the supernatural what cause fear. He fights in his sleep, he fights when he’s hurt but you killed him kid so now it’s your turn.
Our hero threw on the cape, with his cowl and sword, he stood up on the sleigh as he tried to soar, till he remembered there was one more thing to do he had not thought of yet before.
‘The strays and the box what were they for? I have them but no cock a doodle do? Is enough? What do I do?’
‘The stray cats are our ride kid just watch and see, the sun will rise soon so and the cockerel will speak. First my name, they call be Benji Calamity James...’
A cockerel crows from the distance. At that moment the four stray cats morphed into lions, the box into a sleigh.
‘And there my friend, is your ride’.
Santa’s sleigh disappeared from view the reindeers vanished and our hero thought he would too. Benji stood up and spoke: ‘this is what happens kid, you’re the man in charge now. Enjoy your new life’.
There and then and over the strife, the boy took his four lions and his sleigh into midnight, he had many monsters to destroy and if he remembered right, he needed to get to Zimbabwe and prepare himself for a fight.
The Zimbabwe Zombie Slayer
The elf Benji rode along side our hero on his newly obtained sleigh and lions which led him through the midnight starlit sky. Below the sleigh there were scatters of landscape quickly escaping his view, he tried his best to capture all what escaped his sight but the scenery was going too fast. Our hero looked over in hopes that he might be able to catch something remarkable but all he could see were vast amount of empty blue. The sky and ocean rubbed together liked static making our hero’s eyes water, he rubbed his palms to keep away the cold.
‘We need to go to Zimbabwe, that’s where Santa was going’. Said Benji, who seemed calm and patient in his green beret and miniature stature. The elf’s entire existence was peculiar for our hero, he had materialised out of nowhere, he wasn’t around when Santa, the Santa before him was there, and he doesn’t say much. But our hero knew he wasn’t an expert on elves so assumed the best.
Benji had a peculiar look about him, other than looking standardly elf like with plumb cheeks, he had a worked and worn expression, his brow was thick and his ear lobes hung low like they had 20 ton weights hung on them.
His sleigh was now over the ocean beneath him he could feel the cold water gush an air or concentrated coldness over his body. Our hero was only young, and he was certainly not expecting this. It was happening regardless he had taken a sword of his Father’s wall, and adopted it as his own. Its length stayed the same and it dragged like a wedding dress, red, bright and picking up dirt wherever he went. He felt tall at least. He had an insight to the greatest secrets kept for generations from the human populists, and at that moment he was it.
In the distance there was land, land what seemed like training ground. It was Zimbabwe.
‘Now listen up kid, this here is where we get to see how strong you are. Don’t worry about too much as you’ll have more power than you think you’ve got. You just got to believe in yourself you hear me?’
‘I don’t think I’m... I’m not sure if this is a good idea. You know what I’m pretty sure I can get home early and make us hot chocolates. Sounds good, right? RIGHT?’
‘Sorry kid, you got yourself into this mess. Time to prove you got the gusto. This place is infested with ghouls and half-dead people. The natives have injected their dying family members with illegal drugs transported from a factory in Mumbai and kept them working, but they’ve turned volatile and are now spreading rabies and eating human flesh. This curious sort of rabies is spreading quickly into the blood and creating mindless zombies who need to be free of their mortal shells. Think you’re up for it?’
‘I think you’ve made a mistake’.
‘Too late kid, we’re here. Get your sword’.
Benji had a strange rapport around him, in that he would constantly feel under threat, he was demanding, but he was the only person our hero knew to trust, so he went along. Our hero truly didn’t know what was happening in his life, he just wanted it to end, but it didn’t seem like it was going to anytime soon. Just then a noise could be heard nearby. Klinky, clunk, click, clunk, clink, clunk.Our hero looked through on some derelict sheds to see some shadows walk out on the night what was slowly entering dawn. Shadows of these half dead men and women were moving ever closer to our hero, the amber glow of the rising sun hit our hero’s blade and just like that he began attacking.
The elf Benji rode along side our hero on his newly obtained sleigh and lions which led him through the midnight starlit sky. Below the sleigh there were scatters of landscape quickly escaping his view, he tried his best to capture all what escaped his sight but the scenery was going too fast. Our hero looked over in hopes that he might be able to catch something remarkable but all he could see were vast amount of empty blue. The sky and ocean rubbed together liked static making our hero’s eyes water, he rubbed his palms to keep away the cold.
‘We need to go to Zimbabwe, that’s where Santa was going’. Said Benji, who seemed calm and patient in his green beret and miniature stature. The elf’s entire existence was peculiar for our hero, he had materialised out of nowhere, he wasn’t around when Santa, the Santa before him was there, and he doesn’t say much. But our hero knew he wasn’t an expert on elves so assumed the best.
Benji had a peculiar look about him, other than looking standardly elf like with plumb cheeks, he had a worked and worn expression, his brow was thick and his ear lobes hung low like they had 20 ton weights hung on them.
His sleigh was now over the ocean beneath him he could feel the cold water gush an air or concentrated coldness over his body. Our hero was only young, and he was certainly not expecting this. It was happening regardless he had taken a sword of his Father’s wall, and adopted it as his own. Its length stayed the same and it dragged like a wedding dress, red, bright and picking up dirt wherever he went. He felt tall at least. He had an insight to the greatest secrets kept for generations from the human populists, and at that moment he was it.
In the distance there was land, land what seemed like training ground. It was Zimbabwe.
‘Now listen up kid, this here is where we get to see how strong you are. Don’t worry about too much as you’ll have more power than you think you’ve got. You just got to believe in yourself you hear me?’
‘I don’t think I’m... I’m not sure if this is a good idea. You know what I’m pretty sure I can get home early and make us hot chocolates. Sounds good, right? RIGHT?’
‘Sorry kid, you got yourself into this mess. Time to prove you got the gusto. This place is infested with ghouls and half-dead people. The natives have injected their dying family members with illegal drugs transported from a factory in Mumbai and kept them working, but they’ve turned volatile and are now spreading rabies and eating human flesh. This curious sort of rabies is spreading quickly into the blood and creating mindless zombies who need to be free of their mortal shells. Think you’re up for it?’
‘I think you’ve made a mistake’.
‘Too late kid, we’re here. Get your sword’.
Benji had a strange rapport around him, in that he would constantly feel under threat, he was demanding, but he was the only person our hero knew to trust, so he went along. Our hero truly didn’t know what was happening in his life, he just wanted it to end, but it didn’t seem like it was going to anytime soon. Just then a noise could be heard nearby. Klinky, clunk, click, clunk, clink, clunk.Our hero looked through on some derelict sheds to see some shadows walk out on the night what was slowly entering dawn. Shadows of these half dead men and women were moving ever closer to our hero, the amber glow of the rising sun hit our hero’s blade and just like that he began attacking.
Our hero was not at chivalrous as he imagined himself to be when this happened. He spent a few moments looking at his feet trying to remember how to use them. The moment he worked out the one foot over the other technique his eyes bled water that gushed across the streams of his face. He found some, if little courage to start attacking these tormented souls. With every hack from his sword, the blood from one dead man’s body entered the next with the same hesitant but powerful force. Around him was a bloody mess, the ground covered in red crimson blood and defeated bodies, groans from the ones who had not quite had the blade go deep enough, but our hero could not yet muster the strength to use that sword anymore.
Benji looked over at the horror and catastrophe our young hero had caused.
‘It’s hard at first kid but you’ve got to remember, these guys stopped being people long ago. You’re doing well just try keep it up and you’ll be fine’. He puts his hand on our shoulder.
Our hero was on his knees unable to find the strength to stand, let alone walk looked up and tried to find the means to stand. Our two companions took a breath and moved forwards.
‘Is it necessary, all this bloodshed? They were men once weren’t they, Benji? Even a man gone bad is still a man once good? Don’t they deserve better treatment than this?’
‘You’re smart kid, but you’re wrong, men are like rotten fruit, once they go bad they don’t go fresh again’.
‘But...’
‘Look, we’re almost there. Just do as your told, you can think morality later, we’ve a job to do and tonight’s the only night we get to do it’.
‘And what happens if we don’t get it done tonight?’
‘It all hits the fan, that’s what. And any mystic powers that robe your wearing has will just go and all you’ll have on you is an over sized robe. Trust me, it needs to be tonight kid’.
Benji and our hero stumbled across their destination, Victoria Falls. For a short moment Benji falls silent from his usual talkative self.
The falls were flat with an a spread of short trees on its landscape, a wild and uncontrollable force of a waterfall ran a width of 1, 708 metres and was 108 metres high. It wasn’t the tallest but surely the widest waterfall in existence. It was well and truly awe inspiring.
‘Right kid we’re here. Don’t speak, don’t move and don’t breathe unless I say so’.
Our hero looks on in awe, the falls were magnificent, overwhelming in juxtaposition for what he was here for. The realism of his actions for ever dwelling on him and pictured next to the natural beauty of the effervescent falls, filled with colours he never thought were potentially possibly to view in his life. Our hero noticed the elf’s peculiar interest in the falls. He thought was he only here to kill more zombies. Only for our hero to question his purpose here for the first time. Questions ran wild through his mind: Is this what Santa is? A monster who kills monster? What kind of life had our hero delivered for himself?
A phrase repeated by his Dad entered into our hero’s mind and chose to repeat itself over and over in his head.
‘A man is a man by his actions, sometimes he has a choice and sometimes he has none. But there are times that he needs to break the rules and make the impossible choice when he thinks he has none’.
A crash is heard from a distance, just near where Benji was exploring the caves. A hoard of bloodthirsty creatures came at him with astounding speed. The light of the sun was raising slightly higher and the blue of the daytime sky was started to put everything into clear focus, the vibrant red from his cape he had recently obtained from Santa was becoming more of a truth, a matter-of-fact for our hero. His thoughts and believes were being challenged at every angle.
Our hero grasped the grip of his sword but he was ultimately hesitant as whether or not he should pull it from its casing, where they’re not a solution to anarchy? Was violence the only way to stop violence from reoccurring? Before he could give himself time to think he saw an abhorrent scene. Benji’s beret sprawled into the air coated in dashing of red blood; it looked like it had been viciously gnawed upon. A fluid vengeance came over our hero and his blood curdled and boiled and he began to feel a rage he had not felt before. When he first stepped on the island he felt like a soldier, following orders, seeking conscious reverence in an attempt to justify murder but it was against people who had been constrained from death, not against a being who was mid way through life.
A storm flashed in his mind, and within moments, with help from his mystic cape our young hero went from being a boy who clumsily handled a sword to a swords master. He jumped into the centre of the ravaged beasts whose teeth were coated in elf blood and guts fuelled his anger ten folds. Our hero, no longer a boy but a young man seemed to grow in height, bulleting through each hoarder and slicing them apart like brittle eggs. He was rage within rage and could not quite control himself, a thought he once believed more frightening than death itself. In his heated state his stabs and throws through dead flesh our hero became ever closer to realising an epiphany a hero of his calibre needed to gain at some point in his life if he was ever to achieve the means to carry out his duty.
His sword sliced through the air with a swoosh, a noise what was once so pleasant he now could only associate it with the carnage of falling body parts. He contemplated some more and thought to himself his Father’s words. ‘Make the impossible choice when he has none’.
Our hero let out a howl.
‘What exactly am I meant to do? This carnage is unavoidable. What am I suppose to do then? Let people die or live up to an impossible mantel?’
In the edge of an eye our hero caught the eye of Benji weak and gasping for breath. He looked over in the eyes of our hero.
‘You’ve got morals kid. I admire that but they’re going to get you killed in this business. Emotions aside you’ve got a lot of power now, and you’ve no idea just how much’.
Our hero looks solemnly over our dying friend. Seeing an elf die was certainly not what our hero wanted this Christmas. He was expecting a new computer, maybe even a new notepad to do some doodles on. Not responsibility, he was too young.
Benji disintegrated into collected dust and his green elf clothes scattered upon them leaving only a trace of his life, becoming obsolete within our hero’s sight. The morning sun was officially rising, and above where Benji laid dying there was a plaque with ancient writing scribed onto it :
Be it man or boy, hero or villain,
in this world of potentials and hopeless men,
there’s room for the sun every day.
let one man take the burden of the evils of land,
make it once a year and this man will be given praise,
a world on his shoulders and the stars in his gaze.
Red cape, a lengthy blade and a good moral heart.
He’ll be chosen by his predecessor and the legend shall start,
A hard journey, but one that is just.
To our new hero, god speed, good journey and good luck.
Our hero realised the purpose of today was pre-planned and understood so much, but without any idea where he was to go and no one to show him. He was in Zimbabwe and knew nothing of where his future would take him. Suddenly an elf appeared in the distance out of our hero’s view. Coated in tinsel, watching everything what has happened, in her hand she held the beret of our friend Benji and her mouth widened with an askew smile. Something was very wrong with the picture and our hero felt an uneasy wind shake around his very core. What was about to happen was something no Christmas has ever seen before.
Benji looked over at the horror and catastrophe our young hero had caused.
‘It’s hard at first kid but you’ve got to remember, these guys stopped being people long ago. You’re doing well just try keep it up and you’ll be fine’. He puts his hand on our shoulder.
Our hero was on his knees unable to find the strength to stand, let alone walk looked up and tried to find the means to stand. Our two companions took a breath and moved forwards.
‘Is it necessary, all this bloodshed? They were men once weren’t they, Benji? Even a man gone bad is still a man once good? Don’t they deserve better treatment than this?’
‘You’re smart kid, but you’re wrong, men are like rotten fruit, once they go bad they don’t go fresh again’.
‘But...’
‘Look, we’re almost there. Just do as your told, you can think morality later, we’ve a job to do and tonight’s the only night we get to do it’.
‘And what happens if we don’t get it done tonight?’
‘It all hits the fan, that’s what. And any mystic powers that robe your wearing has will just go and all you’ll have on you is an over sized robe. Trust me, it needs to be tonight kid’.
Benji and our hero stumbled across their destination, Victoria Falls. For a short moment Benji falls silent from his usual talkative self.
The falls were flat with an a spread of short trees on its landscape, a wild and uncontrollable force of a waterfall ran a width of 1, 708 metres and was 108 metres high. It wasn’t the tallest but surely the widest waterfall in existence. It was well and truly awe inspiring.
‘Right kid we’re here. Don’t speak, don’t move and don’t breathe unless I say so’.
Our hero looks on in awe, the falls were magnificent, overwhelming in juxtaposition for what he was here for. The realism of his actions for ever dwelling on him and pictured next to the natural beauty of the effervescent falls, filled with colours he never thought were potentially possibly to view in his life. Our hero noticed the elf’s peculiar interest in the falls. He thought was he only here to kill more zombies. Only for our hero to question his purpose here for the first time. Questions ran wild through his mind: Is this what Santa is? A monster who kills monster? What kind of life had our hero delivered for himself?
A phrase repeated by his Dad entered into our hero’s mind and chose to repeat itself over and over in his head.
‘A man is a man by his actions, sometimes he has a choice and sometimes he has none. But there are times that he needs to break the rules and make the impossible choice when he thinks he has none’.
A crash is heard from a distance, just near where Benji was exploring the caves. A hoard of bloodthirsty creatures came at him with astounding speed. The light of the sun was raising slightly higher and the blue of the daytime sky was started to put everything into clear focus, the vibrant red from his cape he had recently obtained from Santa was becoming more of a truth, a matter-of-fact for our hero. His thoughts and believes were being challenged at every angle.
Our hero grasped the grip of his sword but he was ultimately hesitant as whether or not he should pull it from its casing, where they’re not a solution to anarchy? Was violence the only way to stop violence from reoccurring? Before he could give himself time to think he saw an abhorrent scene. Benji’s beret sprawled into the air coated in dashing of red blood; it looked like it had been viciously gnawed upon. A fluid vengeance came over our hero and his blood curdled and boiled and he began to feel a rage he had not felt before. When he first stepped on the island he felt like a soldier, following orders, seeking conscious reverence in an attempt to justify murder but it was against people who had been constrained from death, not against a being who was mid way through life.
A storm flashed in his mind, and within moments, with help from his mystic cape our young hero went from being a boy who clumsily handled a sword to a swords master. He jumped into the centre of the ravaged beasts whose teeth were coated in elf blood and guts fuelled his anger ten folds. Our hero, no longer a boy but a young man seemed to grow in height, bulleting through each hoarder and slicing them apart like brittle eggs. He was rage within rage and could not quite control himself, a thought he once believed more frightening than death itself. In his heated state his stabs and throws through dead flesh our hero became ever closer to realising an epiphany a hero of his calibre needed to gain at some point in his life if he was ever to achieve the means to carry out his duty.
His sword sliced through the air with a swoosh, a noise what was once so pleasant he now could only associate it with the carnage of falling body parts. He contemplated some more and thought to himself his Father’s words. ‘Make the impossible choice when he has none’.
Our hero let out a howl.
‘What exactly am I meant to do? This carnage is unavoidable. What am I suppose to do then? Let people die or live up to an impossible mantel?’
In the edge of an eye our hero caught the eye of Benji weak and gasping for breath. He looked over in the eyes of our hero.
‘You’ve got morals kid. I admire that but they’re going to get you killed in this business. Emotions aside you’ve got a lot of power now, and you’ve no idea just how much’.
Our hero looks solemnly over our dying friend. Seeing an elf die was certainly not what our hero wanted this Christmas. He was expecting a new computer, maybe even a new notepad to do some doodles on. Not responsibility, he was too young.
Benji disintegrated into collected dust and his green elf clothes scattered upon them leaving only a trace of his life, becoming obsolete within our hero’s sight. The morning sun was officially rising, and above where Benji laid dying there was a plaque with ancient writing scribed onto it :
Be it man or boy, hero or villain,
in this world of potentials and hopeless men,
there’s room for the sun every day.
let one man take the burden of the evils of land,
make it once a year and this man will be given praise,
a world on his shoulders and the stars in his gaze.
Red cape, a lengthy blade and a good moral heart.
He’ll be chosen by his predecessor and the legend shall start,
A hard journey, but one that is just.
To our new hero, god speed, good journey and good luck.
Our hero realised the purpose of today was pre-planned and understood so much, but without any idea where he was to go and no one to show him. He was in Zimbabwe and knew nothing of where his future would take him. Suddenly an elf appeared in the distance out of our hero’s view. Coated in tinsel, watching everything what has happened, in her hand she held the beret of our friend Benji and her mouth widened with an askew smile. Something was very wrong with the picture and our hero felt an uneasy wind shake around his very core. What was about to happen was something no Christmas has ever seen before.
Save Christmas from Evil Elf, Hero!
A serpent shadow coated the glowing sun and rustled the trees high above. In between the tall intimidating barks of the tree, there was a notorious elf watching our hero console the ashes of his recently departed friend. Covered in tinsel and wearing a maniacal grin, her hair straggled off her head, almost trying to escape her mind; her clothes all looked second hand as if she had built her ensemble from various dustbins. Her wrists in particular were wrapped in tinsel, like cheap bracelets, it was this unusual habit what granted her the name of Tinselcuffs by the other elves.
She embraced the name. She thought their mean gestures were the thing she wanted to throw back in their faces when she killed their families. Tinselcuffs went a bit mad in the head you see dear reader. After all, there are only so many times you can put an elf’s head down the toilet without her flipping a switch in her noggin, Tinselcuffs count was about 636 times, that’s a lot of flushes.
Our hero had none the wiser the idea that there was this devilish elf looking onward at his distance, her shadows leaping into different shapes, from dragons, to birds, to scorpions, all in the eclipsing rustling of the forest. Our hero had discovered so much about his new life he wasn’t prepared for an encounter. Tinselcuffs was certainly not an encounter for a novice. Nay, she was a contestant for the veteran. Our hero needed to desperately gain some heroic experience and fast. Alas, could it be possible now his mentor and his friend had departed before his very eyes. Ashes and ruin was lying right before him, that was until a powerful force knocked him off his feet sending our hero catapulting to the abyss below, he found himself landed on the ledge of the waterfall, the splashing of water scattering his face, wakening him from his tired facade.
Below a plummet so deep if he fell he would surely perish new found powers or none, above an elf who looked crazed and held a glare of venomous pink in her eyes. She looked ragged and beaten, but more importantly than all else, she looked angry. Our hero then had the assumption that this was probably not the appropriate time to explain this is his first day and that maybe she’d understand... No she was definitely out for blood. Our hero still had hold of his sword and began to think it was about time to see if he actually had any powers.
Before he could move she spewed:
‘You freakin’ brat, what freakin’ freak did you do to Benji!? He was my brother! You freakin’ snotty nosed cretin’ I’m gonna get you good for this!’
‘Wha? I just, the cape see? Santa. I’m sorry!’ Our hero broke down in tears, the burden of the poor elf’s death was far too much for him to bear, he’d never experienced a close death, and Benji’s was the closest he’d come to experiencing anything similar.
‘Hahaha I’m only joking brat, I barely knew him, in fact I should thank you, the dweeb owed me money. You did me a favour. Got to kill you though, you got the cape see, and the cape gives me lots of goodies to destroy things with. Me wanna’.
‘Get lost, it’s mine!’
‘No way kid, prepare to eat magic led’
Tinselcuffs rubbed her palms together and spread out her hands, the greenery around her pulled out of the earth along with rubble and dirt swarming inbetween her hands, our hero watched as he quickly tried to recall his life before his eyes, but to no avail he could only stand there and watch Tinselcuffs incoming attack falter towards him. The grass and rubble jolted through him cutting his stomach open revealing his intestines and pancreas. Blood filled our hero’s eyes and in that moment he kneeled to the floor to prepare himself for the grave.
Tinselcuffs stopped attacking once she saw how weak and feeble our hero was. She looked in somewhat fasinaton has our hero’s his guts crawled back into his body as if magnetised.
‘Hey you’re kind of cute’ Tinselcuffs says as she draws her hands down.
‘How old are you, 9? 10? You like older woman? I’ve been told I can pass for a teenager when I wear my hair up. Think I’m pretty?’ Smiling her prettiest smile.
‘You just tried to kill me!’.
‘I knew you didn’t think I was pretty’ Tinselcuffs sulked.
‘Is it because I tried to kill you?’
‘YES. IT’S BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!’.
‘So you’re saying if I didn’t try to kill you you’d like me? Everyone always says that, I think you’re lying. You’re going to flush me down the toilet again aren’t you? AREN’T YOU? All the same you boys, you take things the wrong way then you go and flush my head down the bowl. I think I should kill you. You deserve it’.
‘And why’s that?’
‘You have a penis that’s reason enough. And I’m bored now, you’ve made me bored, I don’t like being bored. Just be quiet and prepare to eat dirt little boy’.
‘OKAY! OKAY! I would date you’
‘You would date me? What the hell is that meant to mean!’
‘It’s.... well. You’re an elf’.
‘That’s it. You’re dead’.
‘But you are an ELF!!!’
‘I’m humanely challenged and you’re a walking corpse. Eat flame boy!’
Tinselcuffs conjured fire from the tips of her hair that coursed to her fingers nails, the ground around our hero shocked vigorously. It was short lived however has as soon as Tinselcuffs was preparing for her attack on our ever punished hero she was knocked on the head by a shovel, and similar to a scarecrow cut from its post she flopped on the floor in the style of dead weight.
Standing proud and like a giant (although she was only a couple of millimetres higher than your normal elf) there stood Figaro.
‘Oh God, you’re not going to start asking me out now as well are you?
I’ve not even learned to shave! How am I meant to take anyone on a date? I hate today, so much’.
Bellowed our hero, who perhaps may had more excitement than he was use to in one day.
‘Chill out kid, I’m not going to start grabbing your bum cheeks. We’ve got to get off this place before the psycho girl wakes up’.
‘Er yeah, thanks. What’s your name?’
‘Not important. What matters now is that we keep moving. Just stay close, and don’t say anything, you got that?’
Our hero couldn’t help feel safe with Figaro, she seemed bossy and in control, much like our dear departed friend Benji. The more he inspected her however he couldn’t help see some similarities which seemed almost... identical. Figaro knelt down to where Tinselcuffs laid unconscious and picked up Benji’s green beret. With not so much as word she picked it up, shuck it up which miraculously removed the blood and debris and placed it on her head. Our hero looked on in confusion as she muttered ‘he was my brother’.
Our hero had a habit of following people who were bossy. And it happened to be that Figaro was just that, insanely, and inheritably bossy, but as he also noticed she was a feat more attractive than most girls he had ever seen. Her hair was golden, and her skin the a peachy healthy coloured, her nose round and robust with her cheeks lifting up towards her eyes, which only perpetuated how big, wide and green her eyes were. Our hero was unfamiliar with this feeling what was flowing through him. It was as though he was grappling with a part of himself he had never been introduced to, he wasn’t sure of much that day, but for once that day he wasn’t terrified of monstrous zombies or killer elves with crushes, he was scared of himself.
‘She wants to do more than kill people you realise kid?’
‘Yeah I know she just asked me out...’
‘Doesn’t surprise me that she lacks taste just as much as she lacks sense’.
‘Hey!’
‘She wants to get rid of Christmas’. Figaro paused and looked. Behind her there was a lot of carnage and bloody massacre. The zombies of the village were not fully defeated and were slowly coming out of a cave beneath the shrubs if they left now Tinselcuffs would surely perish for good.
‘We need to make a move quickly’.
Our hero thought nonchalantly, he didn’t give a second thought to that delusional elf Tinselcuffs, she always gave a strong impression when she was next to you but was quickly forgotten when out of sight. Too busy with trying to follow orders he walked blindly leaving Tinselcuffs to her fate and the zombie creations of Zimbabwe.
Figaro led them out of Victoria Falls and onto a raised plane where our hero’s sleigh rested. Figaro looked over at our hero.
‘You’re the new Santa now, kid, you got to save Christmas and beat the living daylights of the mentalist Tinselcuffs’.
‘About that. You mind if I don’t be Santa. I mean yeah I’ll do all of this. May lose the sleigh too. Was thinking maybe just some kind of bad-ass chariot’.
‘Seriously kid, whatever, call yourself what you want. It’s your day of the year now anyway. St Nick just went with the calling card, his legend lives on. It’s time to create your own. Should ask though. What is your name?’
‘It’s...’
‘Forget it. I don’t think I’m interested’.
Our hero was curious as to how this elf knew exactly where his chariot laid but just put it down to elf powers. Today not a lot made sense and he got to the point where he decided to just go with that feeling. The less he knew the better. As he set off in the noon sun he suddenly thought about Tinselcuffs. He knew she wasn’t dead, and only just occurred to him that he’d just left her to die. He had met a beautiful elf who was the sister to a good friend he briefly knew in a flying chariot powered by four lions created out of stray cats. He was preparing to wake up but it just wasn’t happening.
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF VICTORIA FALLS
Standing proud and like a giant (although she was only a couple of millimetres higher than your normal elf) there stood Figaro.
‘Oh God, you’re not going to start asking me out now as well are you?
I’ve not even learned to shave! How am I meant to take anyone on a date? I hate today, so much’.
Bellowed our hero, who perhaps may had more excitement than he was use to in one day.
‘Chill out kid, I’m not going to start grabbing your bum cheeks. We’ve got to get off this place before the psycho girl wakes up’.
‘Er yeah, thanks. What’s your name?’
‘Not important. What matters now is that we keep moving. Just stay close, and don’t say anything, you got that?’
Our hero couldn’t help feel safe with Figaro, she seemed bossy and in control, much like our dear departed friend Benji. The more he inspected her however he couldn’t help see some similarities which seemed almost... identical. Figaro knelt down to where Tinselcuffs laid unconscious and picked up Benji’s green beret. With not so much as word she picked it up, shuck it up which miraculously removed the blood and debris and placed it on her head. Our hero looked on in confusion as she muttered ‘he was my brother’.
Our hero had a habit of following people who were bossy. And it happened to be that Figaro was just that, insanely, and inheritably bossy, but as he also noticed she was a feat more attractive than most girls he had ever seen. Her hair was golden, and her skin the a peachy healthy coloured, her nose round and robust with her cheeks lifting up towards her eyes, which only perpetuated how big, wide and green her eyes were. Our hero was unfamiliar with this feeling what was flowing through him. It was as though he was grappling with a part of himself he had never been introduced to, he wasn’t sure of much that day, but for once that day he wasn’t terrified of monstrous zombies or killer elves with crushes, he was scared of himself.
‘She wants to do more than kill people you realise kid?’
‘Yeah I know she just asked me out...’
‘Doesn’t surprise me that she lacks taste just as much as she lacks sense’.
‘Hey!’
‘She wants to get rid of Christmas’. Figaro paused and looked. Behind her there was a lot of carnage and bloody massacre. The zombies of the village were not fully defeated and were slowly coming out of a cave beneath the shrubs if they left now Tinselcuffs would surely perish for good.
‘We need to make a move quickly’.
Our hero thought nonchalantly, he didn’t give a second thought to that delusional elf Tinselcuffs, she always gave a strong impression when she was next to you but was quickly forgotten when out of sight. Too busy with trying to follow orders he walked blindly leaving Tinselcuffs to her fate and the zombie creations of Zimbabwe.
Figaro led them out of Victoria Falls and onto a raised plane where our hero’s sleigh rested. Figaro looked over at our hero.
‘You’re the new Santa now, kid, you got to save Christmas and beat the living daylights of the mentalist Tinselcuffs’.
‘About that. You mind if I don’t be Santa. I mean yeah I’ll do all of this. May lose the sleigh too. Was thinking maybe just some kind of bad-ass chariot’.
‘Seriously kid, whatever, call yourself what you want. It’s your day of the year now anyway. St Nick just went with the calling card, his legend lives on. It’s time to create your own. Should ask though. What is your name?’
‘It’s...’
‘Forget it. I don’t think I’m interested’.
Our hero was curious as to how this elf knew exactly where his chariot laid but just put it down to elf powers. Today not a lot made sense and he got to the point where he decided to just go with that feeling. The less he knew the better. As he set off in the noon sun he suddenly thought about Tinselcuffs. He knew she wasn’t dead, and only just occurred to him that he’d just left her to die. He had met a beautiful elf who was the sister to a good friend he briefly knew in a flying chariot powered by four lions created out of stray cats. He was preparing to wake up but it just wasn’t happening.
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF VICTORIA FALLS
A beaten elf seemed nauseous and confused as a swarm of mindless bloodthirsty zombies had got a taste of blood. The first one knelt down and attempted to bite at her limp body and pulled off a piece of tinsel. Tinselcuffs eyes opened, and with a furious roar of fire an acre of land was engulfed in flame sending pirouettes of black smoke into the atmosphere. Around her there were dozens, if not hundreds of skeletons now destined to be compost for the vegetation if it ever chose to grow on its Earth again. The tinsel what had disintegrated in the fire she created grew its self back in electric sparks which cause more sparks till they were out of control and caused another cataclysm the size of the whirlpool of flames.
‘That little brat stood me up. He’s got to learn not to treat a girl like that’.
Her eyes twitched as she bolted into the sky like a crazed witch.
Christmas Day DOOM.
On the sleigh driven by four lions, our hero finds himself on a cold seat drifting through winds that were becoming increasingly arctic. On the reigns was Figaro, her hands firmly gripped and her eyes peeled into the ever growing distance. Our hero was wondering what he was to do now he had got his brand new sword and his powers from Santa’s cape. Although so far he knew that those powers seemed to include regeneration which made him ask a question to Figaro. At first he struggled to get her attention, till he figured it may have something to do with him being sat leg crossed and mumbling his words. Our hero thought better and stood next to her.
‘I’ve been meaning to ask. I killed Santa. How? I just had my insides pulled out then put back into place and I’m fine. Wouldn’t he of just healed up like I did?
And who are you? I know you’re Benji’s sister, but you’ve not even mentioned your name’.
‘Look kid if it’s that important to you my name’s Figaro’
‘Thank you’ our hero says with a sigh of relief. He almost felt he accomplished something getting through to someone as callous and cold as Figaro.
‘Well what about the other stuff?’
‘Oh...’
‘Well!?’
‘Well he wanted to die by your hands didn’t he? The guy was pretty smart you know kid. He knew what he was getting into, probably didn’t expect you to be so young. They don’t usually pick them young’.
‘What are you on about?’’
‘Santas. They pick the successors to fight the everlasting fight, you’re the next one.
‘Yeah well I said I’m not being called Santa’.
‘Have it your way kiddo. I got my own issues to deal with.
...We’re here’.
The sleigh pulled up towards a giant crystallised castle that seemed to peer above the clouds and send shivers down the spine of our hero.
‘What the hell is this!?’ How hero inquired with a shivering of his hands reverberating his sword on the edge of his carriage.
‘This is your new home kid. Winter Wonderland, the North Pole, the greatest show on earth’.
Our hero looked up in awe, not quite believing what was in front of him. But just as he was witnessing this spectacular made structure what seemed like it belonged in an underwater fairy tale the entire thing collapsed and crumbled before him. He watched as he saw an elf punch through the centre of the castle and have it dissemble into to ruins, and stood on top of them was Tinselcuffs, he hands on her hips and her eyes letting out streaks of lightening.
‘That little brat stood me up. He’s got to learn not to treat a girl like that’.
Her eyes twitched as she bolted into the sky like a crazed witch.
Christmas Day DOOM.
On the sleigh driven by four lions, our hero finds himself on a cold seat drifting through winds that were becoming increasingly arctic. On the reigns was Figaro, her hands firmly gripped and her eyes peeled into the ever growing distance. Our hero was wondering what he was to do now he had got his brand new sword and his powers from Santa’s cape. Although so far he knew that those powers seemed to include regeneration which made him ask a question to Figaro. At first he struggled to get her attention, till he figured it may have something to do with him being sat leg crossed and mumbling his words. Our hero thought better and stood next to her.
‘I’ve been meaning to ask. I killed Santa. How? I just had my insides pulled out then put back into place and I’m fine. Wouldn’t he of just healed up like I did?
And who are you? I know you’re Benji’s sister, but you’ve not even mentioned your name’.
‘Look kid if it’s that important to you my name’s Figaro’
‘Thank you’ our hero says with a sigh of relief. He almost felt he accomplished something getting through to someone as callous and cold as Figaro.
‘Well what about the other stuff?’
‘Oh...’
‘Well!?’
‘Well he wanted to die by your hands didn’t he? The guy was pretty smart you know kid. He knew what he was getting into, probably didn’t expect you to be so young. They don’t usually pick them young’.
‘What are you on about?’’
‘Santas. They pick the successors to fight the everlasting fight, you’re the next one.
‘Yeah well I said I’m not being called Santa’.
‘Have it your way kiddo. I got my own issues to deal with.
...We’re here’.
The sleigh pulled up towards a giant crystallised castle that seemed to peer above the clouds and send shivers down the spine of our hero.
‘What the hell is this!?’ How hero inquired with a shivering of his hands reverberating his sword on the edge of his carriage.
‘This is your new home kid. Winter Wonderland, the North Pole, the greatest show on earth’.
Our hero looked up in awe, not quite believing what was in front of him. But just as he was witnessing this spectacular made structure what seemed like it belonged in an underwater fairy tale the entire thing collapsed and crumbled before him. He watched as he saw an elf punch through the centre of the castle and have it dissemble into to ruins, and stood on top of them was Tinselcuffs, he hands on her hips and her eyes letting out streaks of lightening.
‘You snotty faced, bogey eating, insect fancying, cockroach loving, mini skirt wearing, teacher’s pet, poo flinging monkey, anorexic hippo, fingernailless witch with a bad hair day, no legged spider no use for a life, rotten apple! You left me for dead! I’m not that bad looking am I?’
‘I, I already told you, I’m not into elves!’
‘Well who’s this tramp in a tea cup!’
‘She’s a friend!’
‘She’s an elf!’
‘Well, she didn’t try to kill me!’
‘It always comes back to that doesn’t it!? Well, fine. I don’t need you, or anyone. I’ve got what I need. Check your shoulders brat, I’ve got your cape. See ya’s!’
‘Oi wait, I need that!’
‘Great kid, you had one job. Look after the bloody cape, one job. One.’
‘Why am I always around high strung girls!?’ Our hero blurted out to himself.
‘Well, technically we’re A sexual we just take female and male forms when we die and come back to life, it’s a bit like a snake shedding its skin but there’s only so many times we can do it, and well, seeing as though we change sex when we do it not many elves really embrace the idea’. Came a very matter of fact from behind our hero’s head.
‘Who the heck are you!?’ Our hero yelps as he watched Tinselcuffs fly off into the distance.
‘The name’s Theffle. And I see you know Benji?’
Figaro turned red as she quickly turned away.
‘Wait, you’re telling me, that she’s been Benji this whole god damn time!? God dammit. Could someone please just tell me what the hell today is all about’.
Theffle did his best to explain to our hero the history of elves, not exactly an easy feat to accomplish filling someone with thousands of years of secret history within a few minutes. As far as our hero interpreted the old elf Theffle the history expanded eons, but their population kept to a minimal after the slavery of the elves in 10000BC. Humankind cannot be trusted, Theffle murmured. He continued to mention how they have since kept to a secretive domain in the Elf Kingdom, an ambassador for the human populace chosen every other turn of the century and this ambassador was the person he knew has Santa Claus, more importantly how this new ambassoder was now him. A bit sexist he thought, but he wasn’t complaining, he had a cool sword, and he could have a cool magical cape if it weren’t for Tinseluffs. Then the world felt pretty heavy.
‘I, I already told you, I’m not into elves!’
‘Well who’s this tramp in a tea cup!’
‘She’s a friend!’
‘She’s an elf!’
‘Well, she didn’t try to kill me!’
‘It always comes back to that doesn’t it!? Well, fine. I don’t need you, or anyone. I’ve got what I need. Check your shoulders brat, I’ve got your cape. See ya’s!’
‘Oi wait, I need that!’
‘Great kid, you had one job. Look after the bloody cape, one job. One.’
‘Why am I always around high strung girls!?’ Our hero blurted out to himself.
‘Well, technically we’re A sexual we just take female and male forms when we die and come back to life, it’s a bit like a snake shedding its skin but there’s only so many times we can do it, and well, seeing as though we change sex when we do it not many elves really embrace the idea’. Came a very matter of fact from behind our hero’s head.
‘Who the heck are you!?’ Our hero yelps as he watched Tinselcuffs fly off into the distance.
‘The name’s Theffle. And I see you know Benji?’
Figaro turned red as she quickly turned away.
‘Wait, you’re telling me, that she’s been Benji this whole god damn time!? God dammit. Could someone please just tell me what the hell today is all about’.
Theffle did his best to explain to our hero the history of elves, not exactly an easy feat to accomplish filling someone with thousands of years of secret history within a few minutes. As far as our hero interpreted the old elf Theffle the history expanded eons, but their population kept to a minimal after the slavery of the elves in 10000BC. Humankind cannot be trusted, Theffle murmured. He continued to mention how they have since kept to a secretive domain in the Elf Kingdom, an ambassador for the human populace chosen every other turn of the century and this ambassador was the person he knew has Santa Claus, more importantly how this new ambassoder was now him. A bit sexist he thought, but he wasn’t complaining, he had a cool sword, and he could have a cool magical cape if it weren’t for Tinseluffs. Then the world felt pretty heavy.
‘She’s going to destroy the world isn’t she?
You see this is why Mum doesn’t trust me with a pet, she kept saying I won’t feed it, or taht I wouldn’t take care of it properly, then the one time she buys me a pair of hamsters I forget to feed them and they eat each other, everytime! You guys probably shouldn’t trust me with the power of the elves or whatever it is you’re giving the power of cause I don’t really think I’m exactly hero enough to do this’. Said our hero has it was quickly cowering out of his responsibilities.
‘You can stop whining kid, you’re in this for the long run, there’s a plan anyway.
‘There’s a plan?’
‘Hmm, well there can be a plan I suppose’, Theffle says with a stroke of his elf beard (an elf beard being a beard made of elf hair, in case you were wondering dear reader).
Theffle cleared his throat. ‘You see, the plan is to find out what Tinselcluffs plans to do’.
‘That’s not much of a plan’. Our hero rightly points out.
‘Well it’s what we got kid’, says Figaro slightly embarrassed that he’s now a she and that our hero is now aware of this fact. The situation made only more awkward by our hero thinking how pretty Benji’s sister was only moments before.
‘Fine we’ll go with it’, our hero says, somewhat introducing our friendly elves to his uprising heroism.
In a flash Tinselcuffs appeared, she pushed over our only just becoming heroic hero and spouted her dastardly plan.
‘Listen you toe rags I’ll tell you what I’m going to do I’m going to use this cape and plant bombs in every Christmas tree in the whole world, then KA-BOOM, BLAMMO! Everyone will be sorry that I didn’t get a date of anyone and no one will be around to flush my head in the toilet anymore, so there!’
‘You sure you want to tell us this? I mean, you’re not really giving yourself much of a head start or anything’. Our hero says with mud in his hair.
‘Ha! I’m not stupid fart face. It’s done and I’m going home. Eat sandal dirt! I’ll see you next Christmas with Mistletoe stink breath I’ve got to go watch the fireworks’.
Our hero, Figaro and Thessle started to contemplate about how they could go around solving their predicament. But just as they did it occurred to them then the lions of the sleigh had accidently caught a cold.
‘There’s a reason he had reindeers isn’t there? Oh bugger’.
‘There’s also a reason he ate a lot of pies too, you’re going to freeze around here without a bit of weight on you’.
‘Kid, this isn’t exactly strategising’
‘No but it is some well calculated complaining’.
Theffle looks over at the rubble and noticed how the crystal hard had started forming faces and hands.
‘This could be bad for us guys I won’t lie, we don’t even have the cape’.
‘The capes not important Thessle we got the kid’.
‘Err I don’t know if you want to be putting that much in faith in me guys’.
‘You’ve got a sword haven’t you?’
‘Yeah but it’s getting kind of blunt.... Can’t I just give presents to people once a year instead or something?’
‘Yeah sure why not, but first you’ve got an army of crystallised monsters to take down and destroy first’.
‘Isn’t the thing right after that my funeral? I don’t think I’ve got time to give presents to anyone when I’m dead. I’d feel a bit too cold. Ya get it? Eh? Eh? But seriously I’m not up for this’.
‘Not really an option, you’re up kid’.
Our hero, while deciding what would be nice on his tombstone. Grabbed his sword with both hands as the crystallised army marched towards him, they were no powers this time around only him and his unguarded self. Thinking this may be the one time he has chance to proof his worth as a hero he flung himself in head first, cutting apart the creatures one by one, three by three their body parts shattering into a million pieces like cheap glass as his sword intercepted their bodies.
He was captured on both sides as the crystallised creatures grabbed his arms while they threw punches and stabbed at his gut with their arms morphing into blades, one which went in so forcefully he was sure it was the thing to kill him.
Before his body totally gave in he grabbed his sword which he had just previously dug into the ground. Looking around him he saw that in his adrenaline fuelled state he had taken down the vast majority of the creatures. With the remaining few approaching Figaro and Thessle at speed he inhaled all the air he could and held it in his lungs as he pulled his sword from the ground and lunged into the final creatures whom were left. He swung his blade into the final creature and collapsed onto the floor.
‘Fine. I’ll be Santa. Just no more fighting monsters’.
‘How about both?’ Winked Figaro.
‘How aboutyou guys get me fixed and we’ll talk’.
You see this is why Mum doesn’t trust me with a pet, she kept saying I won’t feed it, or taht I wouldn’t take care of it properly, then the one time she buys me a pair of hamsters I forget to feed them and they eat each other, everytime! You guys probably shouldn’t trust me with the power of the elves or whatever it is you’re giving the power of cause I don’t really think I’m exactly hero enough to do this’. Said our hero has it was quickly cowering out of his responsibilities.
‘You can stop whining kid, you’re in this for the long run, there’s a plan anyway.
‘There’s a plan?’
‘Hmm, well there can be a plan I suppose’, Theffle says with a stroke of his elf beard (an elf beard being a beard made of elf hair, in case you were wondering dear reader).
Theffle cleared his throat. ‘You see, the plan is to find out what Tinselcluffs plans to do’.
‘That’s not much of a plan’. Our hero rightly points out.
‘Well it’s what we got kid’, says Figaro slightly embarrassed that he’s now a she and that our hero is now aware of this fact. The situation made only more awkward by our hero thinking how pretty Benji’s sister was only moments before.
‘Fine we’ll go with it’, our hero says, somewhat introducing our friendly elves to his uprising heroism.
In a flash Tinselcuffs appeared, she pushed over our only just becoming heroic hero and spouted her dastardly plan.
‘Listen you toe rags I’ll tell you what I’m going to do I’m going to use this cape and plant bombs in every Christmas tree in the whole world, then KA-BOOM, BLAMMO! Everyone will be sorry that I didn’t get a date of anyone and no one will be around to flush my head in the toilet anymore, so there!’
‘You sure you want to tell us this? I mean, you’re not really giving yourself much of a head start or anything’. Our hero says with mud in his hair.
‘Ha! I’m not stupid fart face. It’s done and I’m going home. Eat sandal dirt! I’ll see you next Christmas with Mistletoe stink breath I’ve got to go watch the fireworks’.
Our hero, Figaro and Thessle started to contemplate about how they could go around solving their predicament. But just as they did it occurred to them then the lions of the sleigh had accidently caught a cold.
‘There’s a reason he had reindeers isn’t there? Oh bugger’.
‘There’s also a reason he ate a lot of pies too, you’re going to freeze around here without a bit of weight on you’.
‘Kid, this isn’t exactly strategising’
‘No but it is some well calculated complaining’.
Theffle looks over at the rubble and noticed how the crystal hard had started forming faces and hands.
‘This could be bad for us guys I won’t lie, we don’t even have the cape’.
‘The capes not important Thessle we got the kid’.
‘Err I don’t know if you want to be putting that much in faith in me guys’.
‘You’ve got a sword haven’t you?’
‘Yeah but it’s getting kind of blunt.... Can’t I just give presents to people once a year instead or something?’
‘Yeah sure why not, but first you’ve got an army of crystallised monsters to take down and destroy first’.
‘Isn’t the thing right after that my funeral? I don’t think I’ve got time to give presents to anyone when I’m dead. I’d feel a bit too cold. Ya get it? Eh? Eh? But seriously I’m not up for this’.
‘Not really an option, you’re up kid’.
Our hero, while deciding what would be nice on his tombstone. Grabbed his sword with both hands as the crystallised army marched towards him, they were no powers this time around only him and his unguarded self. Thinking this may be the one time he has chance to proof his worth as a hero he flung himself in head first, cutting apart the creatures one by one, three by three their body parts shattering into a million pieces like cheap glass as his sword intercepted their bodies.
He was captured on both sides as the crystallised creatures grabbed his arms while they threw punches and stabbed at his gut with their arms morphing into blades, one which went in so forcefully he was sure it was the thing to kill him.
Before his body totally gave in he grabbed his sword which he had just previously dug into the ground. Looking around him he saw that in his adrenaline fuelled state he had taken down the vast majority of the creatures. With the remaining few approaching Figaro and Thessle at speed he inhaled all the air he could and held it in his lungs as he pulled his sword from the ground and lunged into the final creatures whom were left. He swung his blade into the final creature and collapsed onto the floor.
‘Fine. I’ll be Santa. Just no more fighting monsters’.
‘How about both?’ Winked Figaro.
‘How aboutyou guys get me fixed and we’ll talk’.
Figaro and Thessle pulled our hero up of the ground in hopes of repairing his body which was expecting its final resting place sometime soon.
‘So we’ve got to go to everyhouse before they all wake up and get rid of the bombs? How are we suppose to do that Figaro?’
‘She does this every Christmas don’t worry, what do you think Santa was doing at your house kid, giving gifts!?’
Here, put this on’.
Figaro handed our hero Santa’s cape which healed his wounds almost instantly. He stood up
‘So.... why are you giving me this now?’
‘You can’t just be a hero kid, you got to show us you can a hero’.
‘You guys are dicks’.
Our hero had encountered a long stressful day but he had one long leg of his journey to go, many houses and homes were soon to explode and only our hero knew how to stop them from making them explode.
‘So we’ve got to go to everyhouse before they all wake up and get rid of the bombs? How are we suppose to do that Figaro?’
‘She does this every Christmas don’t worry, what do you think Santa was doing at your house kid, giving gifts!?’
Here, put this on’.
Figaro handed our hero Santa’s cape which healed his wounds almost instantly. He stood up
‘So.... why are you giving me this now?’
‘You can’t just be a hero kid, you got to show us you can a hero’.
‘You guys are dicks’.
Our hero had encountered a long stressful day but he had one long leg of his journey to go, many houses and homes were soon to explode and only our hero knew how to stop them from making them explode.
Epilogue
Santa’s sleigh roamed through the night the stars hung like crystals up in the blackened sky. Few would know that in only matter of time that everyone in the world will soon perish and die. O
Upon every house, our hero did see that although there were no chimneys there was still a place to be. Sometimes they were people under bridges, and sometimes in flats, and even one mad man who like to live under a big over sized hat. Some lived in shoes, others lived in boots, there were also some kittens that nestled in drain shoots.
Our hero wore his oversized cape which he caped over his shoulders so proud seemed to make him ten feet high and the weight he’d put on made him almost Santa sized! The hot chocolate he had would leave his face in whipped cream that would resemble a white beard if he chose not to clean. The reindeers when flown would leave stars in the sky that made him so happy he ho ho ho’d as he went by.
Under every tree every tree he would disarm every mine. Sometimes he would see a small child who would offer him some wine.
‘I don’t drink I’m too young but if you’ve some milk and cookies’..
The young hero did say.
‘That would be just fine’.
Before ne knew what hit him the was Tinselcuffs in candlelight,
‘I knew I’d catch you here you young brat you’re not stopping my fun as far as my might’,
‘I can’t let you do this every year not anymore how about we make things right’.
And how do you suppose we do that? To the death then we fight?’
‘I was thinking maybe we just disarm the bombs and have a date when I’ve finished all my flights’.
‘Sure but you got to something. I get pretty bad date freight’.
So bewildered and undeterred our hero grasped to be the hero he was destined out to be, feeling hungry and famished he understood Santa’s need to always over eat. So with some more mince pies , milk and cookies he carried on throughout every street.
In a certain sense he pondered back earlier that day, when Santa did ask for a simple bike chain. The relevance, he thought may not mean so much, but now as he was so young; maybe it does.
Was Santa just as young as him? Would our hero not be able to ride his bike wheel again? Then a young girl just aged five, she came pondering at his feet, I wonder if I could give up all that for doing this every Christmas, and there and then he thought it could be niet.
He took presents from his sleigh, and threw the bombs from the trees, searching every house for where they could be. Some were obvious and hidden under trees, yet some were more illusive when they wee hiding under a bed of bees. There were some which were caught around a mothers neck, and overs were hidden in the bed of the family pet. There were some down stair cases, some in cars, one bomb he remembered was hidden in a jam jar.
Night was nearly over, although time had already passed it seemed to wind back, then magic of that garment he wore seemed to have to limits which to hold back. He wondered about next Christmas and what he could do. Maybe he could be the new Santa, maybe he could have a date with Tinselcuffs, maybe he thought ‘this life style will do’.
As much as our hero was beginning to get into the flow, evermore the world seemed ever so small. Every action he took seemed to feel ever so right untill Tinselcuffs came from nowhere an posed him a question in plain sight:
‘Do you ever wonder what it feels like, to never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve night? These brats they don’t appreciate the excitement they’re allowed every time they get to close their eyes to wake up in the morning and be hypnotised and all be allowed to be so immersed in surprise.
He pondered a moment with his cold milk in hand:
‘If I don’t do this then who will stop the bombs and fight the monsters on the land? Prevent crazed loans and raving creatures being bad? I know not a lot but I do know this while it’s Christmas I shall be here and I will fight the beasts! With a ho ho ho and a mistletoe dash as long as my name is Santa I’ll give goodwill to all, and beat the crazy creatures and beasts ass.
And so our hero accepted his fate and settled into his new life as he wished you all a merry Christmas, and to all a goodnight.
Santa’s sleigh roamed through the night the stars hung like crystals up in the blackened sky. Few would know that in only matter of time that everyone in the world will soon perish and die. O
Upon every house, our hero did see that although there were no chimneys there was still a place to be. Sometimes they were people under bridges, and sometimes in flats, and even one mad man who like to live under a big over sized hat. Some lived in shoes, others lived in boots, there were also some kittens that nestled in drain shoots.
Our hero wore his oversized cape which he caped over his shoulders so proud seemed to make him ten feet high and the weight he’d put on made him almost Santa sized! The hot chocolate he had would leave his face in whipped cream that would resemble a white beard if he chose not to clean. The reindeers when flown would leave stars in the sky that made him so happy he ho ho ho’d as he went by.
Under every tree every tree he would disarm every mine. Sometimes he would see a small child who would offer him some wine.
‘I don’t drink I’m too young but if you’ve some milk and cookies’..
The young hero did say.
‘That would be just fine’.
Before ne knew what hit him the was Tinselcuffs in candlelight,
‘I knew I’d catch you here you young brat you’re not stopping my fun as far as my might’,
‘I can’t let you do this every year not anymore how about we make things right’.
And how do you suppose we do that? To the death then we fight?’
‘I was thinking maybe we just disarm the bombs and have a date when I’ve finished all my flights’.
‘Sure but you got to something. I get pretty bad date freight’.
So bewildered and undeterred our hero grasped to be the hero he was destined out to be, feeling hungry and famished he understood Santa’s need to always over eat. So with some more mince pies , milk and cookies he carried on throughout every street.
In a certain sense he pondered back earlier that day, when Santa did ask for a simple bike chain. The relevance, he thought may not mean so much, but now as he was so young; maybe it does.
Was Santa just as young as him? Would our hero not be able to ride his bike wheel again? Then a young girl just aged five, she came pondering at his feet, I wonder if I could give up all that for doing this every Christmas, and there and then he thought it could be niet.
He took presents from his sleigh, and threw the bombs from the trees, searching every house for where they could be. Some were obvious and hidden under trees, yet some were more illusive when they wee hiding under a bed of bees. There were some which were caught around a mothers neck, and overs were hidden in the bed of the family pet. There were some down stair cases, some in cars, one bomb he remembered was hidden in a jam jar.
Night was nearly over, although time had already passed it seemed to wind back, then magic of that garment he wore seemed to have to limits which to hold back. He wondered about next Christmas and what he could do. Maybe he could be the new Santa, maybe he could have a date with Tinselcuffs, maybe he thought ‘this life style will do’.
As much as our hero was beginning to get into the flow, evermore the world seemed ever so small. Every action he took seemed to feel ever so right untill Tinselcuffs came from nowhere an posed him a question in plain sight:
‘Do you ever wonder what it feels like, to never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve night? These brats they don’t appreciate the excitement they’re allowed every time they get to close their eyes to wake up in the morning and be hypnotised and all be allowed to be so immersed in surprise.
He pondered a moment with his cold milk in hand:
‘If I don’t do this then who will stop the bombs and fight the monsters on the land? Prevent crazed loans and raving creatures being bad? I know not a lot but I do know this while it’s Christmas I shall be here and I will fight the beasts! With a ho ho ho and a mistletoe dash as long as my name is Santa I’ll give goodwill to all, and beat the crazy creatures and beasts ass.
And so our hero accepted his fate and settled into his new life as he wished you all a merry Christmas, and to all a goodnight.
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