Young Girl: After Hockey Thoughts.
The moment Katy knew she was old was when the year six boy didn’t look so big and tall anymore. She remembered when she was in year four, Mrs. Pilot had brought out a set of equations for the class to work out, for some reason, and she couldn’t shake it, she had a potent smell of the pumps in the hallway between the classrooms, it wasn’t the odour from people’s feet, just the smell of the cheap rubber. She had looked outside the window and he was playing footie with his friends, he seemed so old, so grown up. She was never allowed to go and play outside during class. Why were they? In the hallway it was just the potent smell of the rubber pumps, and nothing more. Now, she was in year six crossing through the hallways; she got a whiff once more of those same dilatory pumps. It was as if it had all huddled there together to bring back a surge of nostalgia just for her. She had just been outside to play hockey, grass and mud disheveled her body and she felt ruined. Her friend Nosheen walked with her, she had been on Katy’s team. They had lost and where in no mood to talk but Katy’s mind raced the minute those rubber pumps trailed through her nose.
‘Do you ever feel like you’re getting old, Nosh?’
‘What you mean? Like have I started peeing blood?’
‘Eww, gross! I meant do you ever feel like you’re suddenly older than you thought you where? Like, I don’t know, like.... The whole world suddenly seems younger in places, and all your doing is just going with it. Like it's all one big flat escalator with no drop offs. It’s all one thing. Start to end. Kaput!’
‘Honestly all I care about right now is a warm bath. We reek, Kate. We really reek’.
‘Nosh, answer me. Please?’
‘Well what are you wanting to me say? Sometimes I guess, yeah. Sometimes I look around the school and I notice that the walls aren’t far apart as I thought they were. Or like, people you look up to you, like me it’s Nav, and he’s someone I always looked up to, and I just see him and think. Does he even know what he’s doing? ‘Cause if he doesn’t then I don’t have a chance. But what good is thinking about it?’
‘What harm is there to not think about it?’
‘Hey, have you ever watched Month Python’s Life of Brian?’
‘What’s that got to do with anything that we’re talking about?’
‘No seriously, have ya ever watched it? I haven’t don’t get me wrong but there’s the real famous song at the end isn’t there? You know, ‘life’s a piece a shit, when you look at it....da do, da do, da do, da do, always look on the bright side of life... da do, da do’.
‘Do you have a point or are you just trying to change the conversation?’
‘No listen. You’ve got me started now. Like, it says it all doesn’t it? Like, don’t worry about it ‘cause none of what we’re doing makes much sense and everyone’s just making it up as they go and no matter how hard we try to get some stability in the world the more we look for it the more we just find that they isn’t any, it’s all just a mental game of every one for themselves. But you know what? Just chill. Could be worse’.
‘Yeah, how?’
‘You could be spending all your time thinking about life and not actually going out and living it. Cough cough...’
‘I live my life just fine, thanks. I just think it’s a bit strange how we just take it all for granted sometimes. Like aging. It’s so bizarre. Just last year I absolutely hate ketchup and now I want it with everything. Ever had ketchup and sugar sandwiches? You need them in your life’.
‘And you think I’m gross. But nah, I get you. You think just because we don’t think about it we don’t realise it’s happening. But what’s the big deal? Why does anyone even need to realise it’s happening. If people like their bubbles let them live in their bubbles, worst case scenario is that they’ll have a nervous break-down and cry on their own one day, and you’ll never know or hear about it. All the while we’ll still need to play hockey and get better as we suck at it. We really do suck. And smell’.
‘I know but aren’t you bothered that you might be a totally different person one day?’
‘But I want to be a totally different person one day’.
‘Why would you want to be? Aren’t you happy with who you are?’
‘Yeah sure I am. But if I’m not changing it means I’m not making any mistakes, or that I’m not experiencing enough things to challenge me and change my opinions on everything. If I was just Nosheen, Hockey girl forever I think I’d just get bored of myself. I’m not saying I want to go and travel the world but I don’t want to be exactly who I am now, you know? I’ll be grown up and stuff, I’ll be wearing make-up, going on dates. I bet you we’ll change when that stuff starts happening.’
‘I didn’t mean like that. That’s more natural growing up stuff. Like, do you think we’ll still be friends? Say, if we go to different schools do you think we’d still hang out, do the same things together?’
‘I can’t see why not. We’ll keep in touch anyway for a while. If we drift we drift’.
‘Glad to see our friendship means so much to you..’
‘I just don’t want to lie. I don’t like to think that far ahead for one. Let’s say I said ‘Yeah Katy, best friends forever’, then we get into different music, or one of us stops playing hockey, or one of us gets a boyfriend and doesn’t have time to hang out all the time. You just can’t tell. You really can’t plan life out. Yes, it changes, yes, people change, yes, it’s scary but do you know something? It’s a not going to be any less scary by dwelling on it’.
‘I think sometimes. About being a good person. How many times a day I just try to be a good person and do the right thing, and I just know one day I’m just going to let it all slip. I’m just not going to care anymore. And I just worry that I won’t like myself anymore. It’s one thing for us to not be friends, but what if we stop being people we like ourselves?’
‘You changed yourself to start with didn’t you? So you don’t like something you just change yourself back. Problem sorted’.
‘Can I ask you one more question? I know we don’t have much time left but this one’s been bugging me’.
‘Doesn’t look like I’ve got much of a choice now, does it?’
‘You know how they say every story has a beginning, middle and an end? What if someone, somewhere had just held up a magnifying glass to our lives right now, what do you think the story would be?’
‘I think it would start with you hitting your head too hard, then you talking a lot of waffle and it ending with you falling asleep in a bath forgetting that we had this conversation’.
‘I guess you’re right’.
Katy and Nosheen got changed and began to feel slightly more human. The school day had ended, everyone was being picked up from school, by the gate was Katy’s Mum. She waved. Within an hour a bath had been poured and Katy drifted off to sleep, being awoken by a text from Nosheen that read ‘Remember what we talked about?’ Katy looked at her phone and placed it back onto the floor. Drifting back off the sleep.
‘Do you ever feel like you’re getting old, Nosh?’
‘What you mean? Like have I started peeing blood?’
‘Eww, gross! I meant do you ever feel like you’re suddenly older than you thought you where? Like, I don’t know, like.... The whole world suddenly seems younger in places, and all your doing is just going with it. Like it's all one big flat escalator with no drop offs. It’s all one thing. Start to end. Kaput!’
‘Honestly all I care about right now is a warm bath. We reek, Kate. We really reek’.
‘Nosh, answer me. Please?’
‘Well what are you wanting to me say? Sometimes I guess, yeah. Sometimes I look around the school and I notice that the walls aren’t far apart as I thought they were. Or like, people you look up to you, like me it’s Nav, and he’s someone I always looked up to, and I just see him and think. Does he even know what he’s doing? ‘Cause if he doesn’t then I don’t have a chance. But what good is thinking about it?’
‘What harm is there to not think about it?’
‘Hey, have you ever watched Month Python’s Life of Brian?’
‘What’s that got to do with anything that we’re talking about?’
‘No seriously, have ya ever watched it? I haven’t don’t get me wrong but there’s the real famous song at the end isn’t there? You know, ‘life’s a piece a shit, when you look at it....da do, da do, da do, da do, always look on the bright side of life... da do, da do’.
‘Do you have a point or are you just trying to change the conversation?’
‘No listen. You’ve got me started now. Like, it says it all doesn’t it? Like, don’t worry about it ‘cause none of what we’re doing makes much sense and everyone’s just making it up as they go and no matter how hard we try to get some stability in the world the more we look for it the more we just find that they isn’t any, it’s all just a mental game of every one for themselves. But you know what? Just chill. Could be worse’.
‘Yeah, how?’
‘You could be spending all your time thinking about life and not actually going out and living it. Cough cough...’
‘I live my life just fine, thanks. I just think it’s a bit strange how we just take it all for granted sometimes. Like aging. It’s so bizarre. Just last year I absolutely hate ketchup and now I want it with everything. Ever had ketchup and sugar sandwiches? You need them in your life’.
‘And you think I’m gross. But nah, I get you. You think just because we don’t think about it we don’t realise it’s happening. But what’s the big deal? Why does anyone even need to realise it’s happening. If people like their bubbles let them live in their bubbles, worst case scenario is that they’ll have a nervous break-down and cry on their own one day, and you’ll never know or hear about it. All the while we’ll still need to play hockey and get better as we suck at it. We really do suck. And smell’.
‘I know but aren’t you bothered that you might be a totally different person one day?’
‘But I want to be a totally different person one day’.
‘Why would you want to be? Aren’t you happy with who you are?’
‘Yeah sure I am. But if I’m not changing it means I’m not making any mistakes, or that I’m not experiencing enough things to challenge me and change my opinions on everything. If I was just Nosheen, Hockey girl forever I think I’d just get bored of myself. I’m not saying I want to go and travel the world but I don’t want to be exactly who I am now, you know? I’ll be grown up and stuff, I’ll be wearing make-up, going on dates. I bet you we’ll change when that stuff starts happening.’
‘I didn’t mean like that. That’s more natural growing up stuff. Like, do you think we’ll still be friends? Say, if we go to different schools do you think we’d still hang out, do the same things together?’
‘I can’t see why not. We’ll keep in touch anyway for a while. If we drift we drift’.
‘Glad to see our friendship means so much to you..’
‘I just don’t want to lie. I don’t like to think that far ahead for one. Let’s say I said ‘Yeah Katy, best friends forever’, then we get into different music, or one of us stops playing hockey, or one of us gets a boyfriend and doesn’t have time to hang out all the time. You just can’t tell. You really can’t plan life out. Yes, it changes, yes, people change, yes, it’s scary but do you know something? It’s a not going to be any less scary by dwelling on it’.
‘I think sometimes. About being a good person. How many times a day I just try to be a good person and do the right thing, and I just know one day I’m just going to let it all slip. I’m just not going to care anymore. And I just worry that I won’t like myself anymore. It’s one thing for us to not be friends, but what if we stop being people we like ourselves?’
‘You changed yourself to start with didn’t you? So you don’t like something you just change yourself back. Problem sorted’.
‘Can I ask you one more question? I know we don’t have much time left but this one’s been bugging me’.
‘Doesn’t look like I’ve got much of a choice now, does it?’
‘You know how they say every story has a beginning, middle and an end? What if someone, somewhere had just held up a magnifying glass to our lives right now, what do you think the story would be?’
‘I think it would start with you hitting your head too hard, then you talking a lot of waffle and it ending with you falling asleep in a bath forgetting that we had this conversation’.
‘I guess you’re right’.
Katy and Nosheen got changed and began to feel slightly more human. The school day had ended, everyone was being picked up from school, by the gate was Katy’s Mum. She waved. Within an hour a bath had been poured and Katy drifted off to sleep, being awoken by a text from Nosheen that read ‘Remember what we talked about?’ Katy looked at her phone and placed it back onto the floor. Drifting back off the sleep.
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