David Land
As David died he found himself in front of the pearly white gates of Heaven. He never knew metal could be white, such awe inspiring white for that matter. There was no bearded man waiting for him, just a sign on the gate that read ‘Come on in’. Clouds seemed to mist the floors like a smoke machine, so much so that David tried to look and see where about they were coming from, after minutes and hours of looking he decided that they were clouds, after all, he was dead. It was a possibility.
David found it very strange that they was no one around, he would have thought his life had a devote and good Christian would have brought him a warmer welcome, maybe a nice mug of hot chocolate with those oversized marsh-mellows. But all he seemed to get was an XXL white gown that blew air into very uncomfortable places. David was a skinny man in his living life, one of the first disappointments of Heaven was that he went there in his own body, for some reason he had pictured that they would be a catalogue of bodies he could chose from as he died, so he could be a new man from the death-go. While he was on his death bed he had a Ryan Gosling look in mind, maybe, if he was feeling rambunctious he would of gone for a John Cena figure, a bit more bulky, but he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to keep balance in a body that big. More importantly he was certain he would have a draw-back, most likely in the form of a small penis. There’s always a draw-back, even in Heaven.
The mist grow fearsome, David couldn’t quite place what he would call it. A mist-storm? A cloud-storm? A white-swirley-mysterious-transparent-fluffy-thing-storm? It was one of those. As quickly as it emerged it subsided and all of a sudden there was a population of people. And finally a very large man with a beard, the kind with rosey cheeks, and wet slobbery lips, who may have had too many pies in the pub but seemed too jolly for his friends to ever tell him that he had enough. David was finally happy that he was going to be judged, and as such began his formal introduction.
‘My name is David Smith, age 59, devote Christian. Born in Dublin, Ireland, raised in Bradford, England, went to church every Sunday, faithful husband and proud father of three fine young men....’
David stopped short mid sentence after noticing the man with the rosey cheeks didn’t appear to be paying much attention. ‘I’m sorry... who are you?’
‘My name is David Smith, age 59, devo...’
‘To the left’.
David was slightly disappointed. He had been prepping himself for his ‘Heaven Introduction’ for at least a few minutes now. He wanted to look good for the big man. As he turned left there was machine, it was a touch interface that asked for him to type in his name. The whole process was very tedious and the keypad wasn’t very responsive.
‘You’d think they’d have got Steve Jobs on this wouldn’t you?’ A man elbowed David on the arm.
‘Yeah but he was a Buddhist!’
‘Still get in though...’
‘Really?’
‘Says so on the gate. Didn’t you read the sign?’
The man walked away from the machine after filling in his details, he seemed to vanish in to thin air. David carried on typing on the machine, it was taking far too long and he had never really been a tech-head. It was beginning to get tedious and he began to wonder whether he hadn’t been good enough. Was this Hell? As the thought surged in his head a message came up on the screen
‘Polite Note: Heaven has a high population. Please be patient while we deal with the high demand of new comers and would people please refrain from thinking this is Hell as you are slowing down the processors. Sincerely: Staff’.
After finally getting his details inputted David, much like the man before him disappeared into thin air and found himself next to the chap he had been talking to. For some reason he didn’t need to ask his name, it was Dan. Apparently in Heaven you didn’t have to have idle chat and awkward silences didn’t exist, there was just a long mutual say nothingness. It was pleasant.
An angel appeared from the ground, she seemed a bit busy, she hurried down notes on her notepad.
‘Daniel Winsor? Do you have a location name?’
‘Daniversal Studios Winsor Land, please’.
‘Enjoy Heaven, Mr Winsor’.
‘David Smith? Do you have a location name?’
‘What’s a location name?’
‘Did you not read the sign?’
‘Why’s everyone saying that?’
‘No one reads the signs’.
‘Look at it like this, Heaven is a big place. Lot’s of people have died and have come here, right? That’s not too unrealistic for you is it?’
‘Okay...’
‘Think of it like Bradford, Bradford isn’t just its city centre, there are places and villages around it. So when you die you get your own village. We tried to put people together but apparently a lot of people are just not very nice to each other so we’ve just gone with it. Anyway, we need a name’.
‘I guess... David Land?’
‘Taken’.
‘Davidville?’
‘Taken’.
‘Smith Town, then?’
‘You need to start being a bit more original Mr Smith..’
‘Okay, I’ve got one. David Smith World’.
‘Two things: One, you’re not technically getting a world to yourself. That would not only be impossible but it would be very greedy of you, and secondly, it’s taken’.
‘Fine! What about David Smith’s Pink Trouser Flares Fun Time Fun Zone Mega Happy Land Only a Penny a Go Everyone’s Invited Land, is that taken you stubborn angel??’
‘Nope that’s fine. David Smith’s Pink Trouser Flares Fun Time Fun Zone Mega Happy Land Only a Penny a Go Everyone’s Invited Land, is That Taken You Stubborn Angel, it is. Have a nice afterlife, Mr Smith’.
‘No wait, that was a joke!!’
At that moment David was transported to his own village. Although he had believed he would be on his own there appeared to be a few people in what he believed would be ‘his’ village. One of them appeared to be an old agnostic neighbour who had never been to church in his life.
‘Harold, what on Earth are you doing here? I didn’t know you were dead!’
‘Oh... Hi. Nice to see you David, how’s the heart? I guess that’s a bit of a silly question now, eh?’
‘Stubbed my toe actually, septatsemia, who’d have guessed! I don’t mean to be rude but you’re an agnostic, you didn’t even go to church! How come you’re in Heaven?’
‘Didn’t you read the sign? They changed the rules’.
‘What do you mean they changed the rules? They can’t just change the ruddy rules!’
‘Of course they can! It’s what they do. They had a change of heart. They let people in now. There’s enough room after all, why not?’
‘BECAUSE I SPENT ALL MY LIFE WORSHIPPING EVERY SUNDAY THAT’S WHY NOT’.
‘Calm down David, remember your heart. Anyway, it isn’t anyone’s fault you made that decision, none of us where to know. It’s not like they could send an email now, is it? Can’t just have another saviour down to sacrifice every time the rules change slightly either, can they? No, they just sort of leave it has a surprise now. Easier in the long run, I think’.
‘Oh bloody heck. This is ridiculous, I’m off for a pint’.
David in his fit of rage felt like a cold pint of Boddingtons would help calm his jittering nerves. The fact that he had jittering nerves even though he was dead didn’t seem all that surprising to him for some reason. At the bar there was a mass adulterer buying another bloody mary.
‘They sell those here?’
‘Why wouldn’t they? It’s a bar’.
‘Isn’t it a bit, you know? Blasphemus’.
‘They don’t care anymore, did you not read the sign?’
‘That sign, again! No, I did not read the sign’.
‘Well they changed the rules..’
‘Yes I know the changed the rules! Hold on didn’t you cheat on your wife?’
‘Yep’.
‘Isn’t that a sin?’
‘Yep’.
‘Shouldn’t you be in Hell?’
‘Yep. Found a cheat though’,
‘What on Earth do you mean?’
‘There was a cheat code. Didn’t you see it? You didn’t really live you life squeaky clean, did you? It was all a test wasn’t it in the end. Like to see if people would challenge themselves, push the barriers and all that. It was all just a game. Haha, bloody Hell, you didn’t know did ya? Haha!! Hey, Jack, this guy didn’t know about the cheat!!’
‘What a tit!’
‘Hey, hey, hey. I knew about the cheat’.
‘Okay then big shot, what’s the cheat?’.
‘The cheat is to push the barriers and stuff’.
‘He don’t know about the cheat’.
‘You don’t know about the cheat’.
After a very un-relaxing pint of Boddingtons David was beginning to think he was being cheated out of Heaven. And he was, as he was the only one there who hadn’t read the sign. Which had some with a very unique cheat code left there by an Angel who on his last day of work decided to paint a code to alter whatever people wanted, it was Heaven after all, the angel thought.
After a lot of debate, it was left that way too. God seeing it working a lot better that its/his/hers method, being the thing/person it/he/her let it stay. As everyone reads a sign.
David however, had been too preoccupied with what he was going to say to the rosey bearded man. Unfortunately he didn’t realise at the time that it was just a very drunk man leaning on a podium, he just happened to know which way David should go. David was going to have very stern words with God or Jesus or somebody, but first, he was going to read that sign.
David found it very strange that they was no one around, he would have thought his life had a devote and good Christian would have brought him a warmer welcome, maybe a nice mug of hot chocolate with those oversized marsh-mellows. But all he seemed to get was an XXL white gown that blew air into very uncomfortable places. David was a skinny man in his living life, one of the first disappointments of Heaven was that he went there in his own body, for some reason he had pictured that they would be a catalogue of bodies he could chose from as he died, so he could be a new man from the death-go. While he was on his death bed he had a Ryan Gosling look in mind, maybe, if he was feeling rambunctious he would of gone for a John Cena figure, a bit more bulky, but he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to keep balance in a body that big. More importantly he was certain he would have a draw-back, most likely in the form of a small penis. There’s always a draw-back, even in Heaven.
The mist grow fearsome, David couldn’t quite place what he would call it. A mist-storm? A cloud-storm? A white-swirley-mysterious-transparent-fluffy-thing-storm? It was one of those. As quickly as it emerged it subsided and all of a sudden there was a population of people. And finally a very large man with a beard, the kind with rosey cheeks, and wet slobbery lips, who may have had too many pies in the pub but seemed too jolly for his friends to ever tell him that he had enough. David was finally happy that he was going to be judged, and as such began his formal introduction.
‘My name is David Smith, age 59, devote Christian. Born in Dublin, Ireland, raised in Bradford, England, went to church every Sunday, faithful husband and proud father of three fine young men....’
David stopped short mid sentence after noticing the man with the rosey cheeks didn’t appear to be paying much attention. ‘I’m sorry... who are you?’
‘My name is David Smith, age 59, devo...’
‘To the left’.
David was slightly disappointed. He had been prepping himself for his ‘Heaven Introduction’ for at least a few minutes now. He wanted to look good for the big man. As he turned left there was machine, it was a touch interface that asked for him to type in his name. The whole process was very tedious and the keypad wasn’t very responsive.
‘You’d think they’d have got Steve Jobs on this wouldn’t you?’ A man elbowed David on the arm.
‘Yeah but he was a Buddhist!’
‘Still get in though...’
‘Really?’
‘Says so on the gate. Didn’t you read the sign?’
The man walked away from the machine after filling in his details, he seemed to vanish in to thin air. David carried on typing on the machine, it was taking far too long and he had never really been a tech-head. It was beginning to get tedious and he began to wonder whether he hadn’t been good enough. Was this Hell? As the thought surged in his head a message came up on the screen
‘Polite Note: Heaven has a high population. Please be patient while we deal with the high demand of new comers and would people please refrain from thinking this is Hell as you are slowing down the processors. Sincerely: Staff’.
After finally getting his details inputted David, much like the man before him disappeared into thin air and found himself next to the chap he had been talking to. For some reason he didn’t need to ask his name, it was Dan. Apparently in Heaven you didn’t have to have idle chat and awkward silences didn’t exist, there was just a long mutual say nothingness. It was pleasant.
An angel appeared from the ground, she seemed a bit busy, she hurried down notes on her notepad.
‘Daniel Winsor? Do you have a location name?’
‘Daniversal Studios Winsor Land, please’.
‘Enjoy Heaven, Mr Winsor’.
‘David Smith? Do you have a location name?’
‘What’s a location name?’
‘Did you not read the sign?’
‘Why’s everyone saying that?’
‘No one reads the signs’.
‘Look at it like this, Heaven is a big place. Lot’s of people have died and have come here, right? That’s not too unrealistic for you is it?’
‘Okay...’
‘Think of it like Bradford, Bradford isn’t just its city centre, there are places and villages around it. So when you die you get your own village. We tried to put people together but apparently a lot of people are just not very nice to each other so we’ve just gone with it. Anyway, we need a name’.
‘I guess... David Land?’
‘Taken’.
‘Davidville?’
‘Taken’.
‘Smith Town, then?’
‘You need to start being a bit more original Mr Smith..’
‘Okay, I’ve got one. David Smith World’.
‘Two things: One, you’re not technically getting a world to yourself. That would not only be impossible but it would be very greedy of you, and secondly, it’s taken’.
‘Fine! What about David Smith’s Pink Trouser Flares Fun Time Fun Zone Mega Happy Land Only a Penny a Go Everyone’s Invited Land, is that taken you stubborn angel??’
‘Nope that’s fine. David Smith’s Pink Trouser Flares Fun Time Fun Zone Mega Happy Land Only a Penny a Go Everyone’s Invited Land, is That Taken You Stubborn Angel, it is. Have a nice afterlife, Mr Smith’.
‘No wait, that was a joke!!’
At that moment David was transported to his own village. Although he had believed he would be on his own there appeared to be a few people in what he believed would be ‘his’ village. One of them appeared to be an old agnostic neighbour who had never been to church in his life.
‘Harold, what on Earth are you doing here? I didn’t know you were dead!’
‘Oh... Hi. Nice to see you David, how’s the heart? I guess that’s a bit of a silly question now, eh?’
‘Stubbed my toe actually, septatsemia, who’d have guessed! I don’t mean to be rude but you’re an agnostic, you didn’t even go to church! How come you’re in Heaven?’
‘Didn’t you read the sign? They changed the rules’.
‘What do you mean they changed the rules? They can’t just change the ruddy rules!’
‘Of course they can! It’s what they do. They had a change of heart. They let people in now. There’s enough room after all, why not?’
‘BECAUSE I SPENT ALL MY LIFE WORSHIPPING EVERY SUNDAY THAT’S WHY NOT’.
‘Calm down David, remember your heart. Anyway, it isn’t anyone’s fault you made that decision, none of us where to know. It’s not like they could send an email now, is it? Can’t just have another saviour down to sacrifice every time the rules change slightly either, can they? No, they just sort of leave it has a surprise now. Easier in the long run, I think’.
‘Oh bloody heck. This is ridiculous, I’m off for a pint’.
David in his fit of rage felt like a cold pint of Boddingtons would help calm his jittering nerves. The fact that he had jittering nerves even though he was dead didn’t seem all that surprising to him for some reason. At the bar there was a mass adulterer buying another bloody mary.
‘They sell those here?’
‘Why wouldn’t they? It’s a bar’.
‘Isn’t it a bit, you know? Blasphemus’.
‘They don’t care anymore, did you not read the sign?’
‘That sign, again! No, I did not read the sign’.
‘Well they changed the rules..’
‘Yes I know the changed the rules! Hold on didn’t you cheat on your wife?’
‘Yep’.
‘Isn’t that a sin?’
‘Yep’.
‘Shouldn’t you be in Hell?’
‘Yep. Found a cheat though’,
‘What on Earth do you mean?’
‘There was a cheat code. Didn’t you see it? You didn’t really live you life squeaky clean, did you? It was all a test wasn’t it in the end. Like to see if people would challenge themselves, push the barriers and all that. It was all just a game. Haha, bloody Hell, you didn’t know did ya? Haha!! Hey, Jack, this guy didn’t know about the cheat!!’
‘What a tit!’
‘Hey, hey, hey. I knew about the cheat’.
‘Okay then big shot, what’s the cheat?’.
‘The cheat is to push the barriers and stuff’.
‘He don’t know about the cheat’.
‘You don’t know about the cheat’.
After a very un-relaxing pint of Boddingtons David was beginning to think he was being cheated out of Heaven. And he was, as he was the only one there who hadn’t read the sign. Which had some with a very unique cheat code left there by an Angel who on his last day of work decided to paint a code to alter whatever people wanted, it was Heaven after all, the angel thought.
After a lot of debate, it was left that way too. God seeing it working a lot better that its/his/hers method, being the thing/person it/he/her let it stay. As everyone reads a sign.
David however, had been too preoccupied with what he was going to say to the rosey bearded man. Unfortunately he didn’t realise at the time that it was just a very drunk man leaning on a podium, he just happened to know which way David should go. David was going to have very stern words with God or Jesus or somebody, but first, he was going to read that sign.
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